inconvenient truths

There’s a thing I haven’t told you. Partially because I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell you, but also partially because I thought that by writing about it I might only be encouraging the thoughts. But fuck it, I’m… I’m going there.

There’s a friend I used to work pretty closely with that I developed a crush on about 6 months ago. Yes, this is before I started therapy, before I talked to [husband] about not being happy. And yes, it in part was what made me realize how truly unhappy I was in my marriage. But, it was significant to me in that I literally have not had a real crush on anyone since [husband] and I got married 11 years ago. I’m not exaggerating. So when I developed said crush, it really crept up on me, I didn’t see it coming, and it made me realize there was a lot missing from my marriage that I really, really wanted. The snag is that he was also married.

I’ve mostly tried to set it aside. Ok that’s such a fucking lie. I’ve very intentionally remained friends with this person, even become better friends with this person. To make matters worse, this person is also having problems in their marriage. But I’m honestly trying to be a really good friend right now… because I just went through what he’s going through. And I do genuinely care about him. And I’ve tried to not let myself be unrealistic about the nature of our friendship or the future of our friendship. Because I’m pretty sure everyone… like seriously everyone… also either has or has had a crush on this guy. Like I’ve talked to at least 4 people who also worked with us who also have had a crush on him at some point. So like… yeah, what I’m experiencing is most likely 100% one-sided.

I even thought maybe all my feelings had subsided and I really did just value him as a friend.

But fuck. Here’s the thing. We just walked to get tea and sat and talked for over 90 minutes about everything from movies to marriage to work and interviewing to… music… I mean we covered ground. And it was delightful. And we never ran out of anything to say, and his stupid smile is stupidly infectious. And I just find myself noticing in the middle of a conversation that I feel a little giddy. Not like schoolgirl “I have a crush on this person I don’t really know but think is cute” way. In a “damn I really enjoy this person’s company and I’m giddy because of the things we’re talking about” way.

So. There it is. I’m not even looking for a relationship right now. I’m certainly not trying to end someone else’s marriage. And I… I just feel giddy. And there it is.