in response… once more

I hadn’t intended to write more responses… I was actually going to moan whine and complain about the blizzard going on outside my house… but that can wait until later. More important issues are pressing.

Well, then. Let me reiterate that fact that I do not hate any of you. And Kim, I actually have noticed that you’ve at least been talking to me sometimes and making an effort… it’s evident, and I know maybe it doesn’t seem like it, but I do appreciate it. I was just thinking the other night about how horrible it would be to go off to college not even SPEAKING to one another.

You mentioned the fact that it doesn’t seem like I can retain relationships for more than a year to a year and a half. I’ve noticed it too, actually… its something that concerns me a great deal, but there have been some outside forces for some of those friendships. (For instance, Jaimie pretty much disowned Aimee and I both at the same time… one day we were best friends, and the next we weren’t. And yes I do see the juxtaposition.) But also, as we grow up and move from year to year, we do change. Forget what I ever said about not changing. (Hypocritical yes… but I’m allowed to be… its a part of becoming wiser.) Yes, I’ve changed, but the changes have not deviated from who I am. Does that make any sense? I think you’ve changed too, Kim. You’ve become much more responsible, in my estimation. Emma’s obviously become much more extroverted… and, well, you know. That’s how life is. And a part of those changes are your friends and your environment. It doesn’t seem fair sometimes, and it usually hurts… I know that. But you have to believe me when I say I never meant to hurt you.

We can’t change the past. I couldn’t change the fact that Aimee and Emma couldn’t stand Nolan. I didn’t even know I pushed you away Kim… in all honesty I’m completely oblivious to that fact. However, if you felt that I did (which means I did… because it doesn’t really matter if I thought I did, tried to, tried not to, or whatever…) I am truly sorry. I remember one day trying to talk to you and all of a sudden you were ignoring me and avoiding me… I believe that’s the day I had that emotional breakdown and started crying in the band room. (I think I’ve had about 5 emotional breakdowns just this year during school.) At any rate, I never made a conscious choice of you or Nolan.

That’s another issue… although I would’ve ended up with Alex no matter what, I kind of hoped you all would be more receptive to the idea that I was dating Alex rather than Nolan. (Just for the moment suppose you ignore the Vanessa factor.) I know Emma gets along with him… I don’t know about you two. Lord, it’s scary sometimes how much he and I are alike. He and I are definitely a better match than Nolan and I ever were… and I highly doubt any of you will dispute that.

Ok, you may stop ignoring the Vanessa factor for the next part of this entry. I actually don’t know what to say in this part of the entry. To everyone else, I’m quite aware that it seems like I stole Alex from her. But I really didn’t at all. It was more like we went about being best friends like usual and he eventually woke up and figured out that he liked me. Of course, I didn’t exactly stop him from breaking up with her or stop him from liking me or stop things from happening the way that did… and in that way I suppose I have no choice but to plead guilty. I’m human… sometimes my mind doesn’t take over where it should… sometimes my gut instincts take over. Ok, so a lot of the time.

I don’t know… I’m still struggling with things. I’m still struggling, trying to learn how to juggle everyone and everything. And it just comes down to the fact that I’m not good at it, and I’m working on it. I’m so greedy… so greedy. I want to have alone time with Alex, but I want to hang out with Meg, Dani, Meera, Gretchen, Sloan, Cloe… all of those people. And at the same time, I still want my own personal alone time. You know, that time where I can just go on the computer, chill, talk, and write without the phone ringing or a parent around or homework being held over my head. It’s really frustrating.

Alright, I’m done needlessly feeling sorry for myself.

At any rate, I hope I answered your entries sufficiently, although I’m not sure I did. Basically, it’s good to know, Kim, that you don’t hate me… and I certainly do not hate you. Let’s not finish our senior year by not speaking to one another. I’m not saying we have to be best friends, I’m not saying we have to not be friends. I’m not putting any rules on this, other than let’s just… not ignore one another.

Once again, happy blizzard-spring!