I want to slap myself for ever liking you.

I really am a stuck up bitch. It’s not even about that anymore. AHh… I’m such a bitch. And he’s such an asshole! I can’t even believe he’s putting me through his crap. Goodness… I can’t stand it.

And you know what the worst part is? I’m a horrible mean person. I really am. Even when I try to be mean… I just can’t bring myself to say things sometimes. (but when I do… ouch… I’m a bitch) I’m also a darned bad mad person. I try to get mad at someone, or to remain mad at someone… I end up smiling or laughing. Wrecks the mood completely. I think it’s some subconscious defense mechanism/instinct to show me how really stupid people are and life is sometimes.

Bah.

The conversation was… mighty… strange… and horrible. I hate it. Ahh, what the heck… you might as well read it. (if you want… it may take some time) Oh, and a *note* to all you non-quadrilingual people out there. MOI, MICH, and YO are all me. OK? Ok.

andy: erin?

moi: yes?

andy: what r u thinking?

moi: at the moment? or about you?

andy well both

moi: at the moment i’m thinking “well i really can’t see this guy to know what he looks like… too bad”
moi: about you? well i’m currently not thinking anything about you. but if i were, i’d be thinking… hmm… something along the lines of “grr”

andy: ok
andy: better then what i was thinking you were going to say

moi: what did you think i was going to say?
moi: maybe i was thinking it and just didn’t say it

andy: something along the lines of screw you

mich: yeah, well… you know…
mich: i was attempting to be nice

andy: thank you

mich: no problem

andy: 🙂

mich: do you want to know honestly what i’m thinking?

andy: yes i do

mich: i’m thinking i don’t want to have this hate thing during RO. i’m thinking that I’m more upset with myself than with you. and I’m also thinking that you’re a jerk, but i’m an idiot. i’m thinking it’s really sad to think you’re a jerk, and it’s really sad to lose a friend that’s been there through a lot of powerful stuff at lakeside. but i’m also thinking that in a way it’s not worth it to feel sad.

andy: so u do want to work this out?

yo: in a nutshell, no.

andy: no?

yo: *shakes head*

andy: what the fuck

yo: look, i don’t want to be enemies with you

andy: same here

moi: and i don’t want to hate you, because, well, too many memories or whatever

andy: i agree

mich: but… really… i… can’t say waht i want to say because it would be horrible.

andy: what do you want

yo: what do i want? or what do i not want?

andy: Erin, What do you want?

moi: i want to slap myself for ever liking you. i want to erase some of my past thoughts. i want to erase tuesday altogether. i want to go to RO without enemies, and yet i want to distance myself from you. a lot.

andy: thank you
andy: that is so great to know

andy: i want to be serious with you and you dont want anything to do with me

moi: um, that was about as serious as i can get.
mich: in fact, that was dead serious.
yo: that’s the most honest i’ve been with you for a long time.

andy: not like that
andy: i meant like i want to go out with you

moi: oh my dear lord.
mich: you did NOT just say that.

andy: yes i did
andy: but you dont even care about me

yo: well, in that case… i’m really sorry…

andy: i could never see you again and you wouldn’t care

moi: damnit.

andy: thank you erin for everything

moi: let me talk
mich: for a second
yo: please

andy: oh ok

moi: first of all, yes in the past i DID like you ok

andy: ok

mich: so don’t think i was just being like that for nothing.

andy: k

yo: i would not do that.
moi: but i don’t like you now. i really don’t. and i’m sorry. i’ve never had this problem before…
mich: i’m not sure what to say.

andy: ok

yo: after prom, i told you i just wanted to be friends
moi: i’m not sure how that means anything else

andy: and i want to be friends with you

mich: but see, you don’t.

andy: how do you know?
andy: how can u say that?

yo: um, tuesday.

andy: what ?

moi: you were being a complete jerk tuesday.
mich: that’s how i can say that

andy: im sorry i didn’t mean it i still want to be friends

yo: it’s not just what you said andy.

andy: its not?

moi: it’s how you act. it’s what you do. you’re completely different than i am.
mich: if you went to ******, i’d probably hate your guts
yo: (so be thankful you don’t go to ******)

andy: ok

moi: and you know what? you’re right. cause i AM a stuck up bitch. and if you knew me, you’d have known that a long time ago, and just wouldn’t care. because that’s just me.
mich: and i’m an elitest, and i hate people in general.
yo: i’m a nerd… i’m a dork… i am ALWAYS the mother of the group
moi: and if you knew me… well, you’d know that.

andy: but thats ok

mich: you wouldn’t say things like “you need to loosen up” if you knew me.
yo: that’s something an acquaintance from school would say.

andy: but
andy: so thats all i am

moi: the times when i really don’t loosen up are in situations where people make me feel uncomfortable or do something i totally do no approve of.
mich: well, you know, most of my friends told me to not even bother talking to you. but i’m talking, aren’t i?

andy: ok well i will be in some deep shit if i dont get to bed
andy: who said that?

yo: *sigh*
moi: friends.
mich: more than one.
yo: none that you know

andy: ok
andy: well i gtg

moi: yeah

andy: i hope i ttyl

mich: you probably will.

andy: ok good
andy: i’d really miss you erin

yo: :-

andy: if i didn’t have you at all
andy: i gtg

moi: well let me leave you with this. anything more than friends is totally out of the question for the rest of time. we’ll talk about friends later.

andy: great thanks maybe i’ll sleep tonight with that

mich: you think i’ll be sleeping?

andy: i said maybe
andy: but i do have to go
andy: im serious

yo: alright

andy: bye

moi: bye

So, in a nutshell, I really don’t like him. And he’s right, I wouldn’t care if I never saw him again. I’m so bad at being mean. I couldn’t just say “yup”, because that’d be so mean!!! Bah.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl