I am a loser.

At least 5 of my favorite diaries are bold and are in dire need of being read, and yet I cannot focus on that right now. I have no time to do anything but read, and yet I am not reading. Nor do I want to read. I’m normally an AVID reader, but hi, Frankenstein does not have any promise of thrilling me. I’ve only disliked one book I’ve ever read, and that was The Old Man and the Sea. This may be a close second, though I’ve not read enough to know. *chapter one, and whole thing is due Tuesday*

Right now my hair is just sort of down. I let it mostly air dry before taking a hair dryer to it. And then I did nothing with it. I have no make-up on. I’m in my big skater jeans and my RO t-shirt from church camp that says “Is Your Choice His Will?”. I just finished watching Keeping the Faith with my family. And do you know what? More than anything right now (and this does show how extremely materialistic I’m feeling today) I want to go upstairs, do my make-up perfectly, do something gorgeous with my hair, and find some smashing outfit. Then I want to find a date. And I want to go out tonight. And dance. Or talk. Or watch a movie. Or go to a club and listen to some jazz. I just want to feel… good about myself. I want to feel like some gorgeous person that anyone would love to be with. I want to feel like I have it all together. Like I’m a combination of all of my friends… just this perfect blend that some guy is crazy for. I want Aimee’s skin and gorgeous face. I want Meg’s magnetic personality. I want Kim’s ability to just let it all out and be completely loose. I want Emma’s craziness. (or do I?) And I want to be kissed. Not on my neck (well, ok I guess I shouldn’t say not… I should say not ONLY…) but really, truly, deeply kissed.

I am such a loser. I so sound like the movie I just watched, but I don’t care. I hate people, right? And yet I want people to love me. I’m smart. I am. I could do anything I wanted, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t know where to go. I can play the piano, and I can play the saxophone, and DARN IT, I can MARCH. Not just march, but REALLY MARCH. I can write, when I put my entire being into it. I can really be creative in my writing. And I have an eye for photography. I love it. I can capture beauty in a picture. And I suppose that doesn’t seem so hard, but I don’t care. And you know what? I’m STILL whining and complaining and wishing I were beautiful or graceful or lovely. And THAT is what makes me a loser. And I call OTHER people stupid… riiight.

Completely and utterly

~swept away in my own stupidity~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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