have I ever told you that I’m a hypocrite?

Yeah, actually, I believe I’ve mentioned that several times in this diary not to mention in life. I’ve never claimed not to be hypocritical. So why would I need someone else to tell me what I already tell myself and am completely aware of? Right.

Furthermore, what the hell do you mean where do my friends fit in? They fit into my life exactly where they fit in before. See, the beautiful thing about Alex, is the fact that he and I are still best friends as well as more… and because we were best friends before we became involved with each other, things are pretty much the same as they were before except for the obvious implications.

And to the final comment which I have not addressed… (you managed to squish quite a bit of hostility into one note) yes I do feel bad. In all honesty, I felt really bad. It’s not that I didn’t care about Vanessa, or that I don’t care about Vanessa… because she was my friend. I don’t know if it will happen, but it would be nice if we could eventually go back to being friends. Don’t you dare think that I didn’t think about her. It was really hard for me to deal with so many mixed emotions at once. I know you don’t care that it was hard for me… I know you’re screaming hypocrite as you read it… but I’m trying to be completely honest. On the one hand Vanessa’s heart was just crushed and I felt horribly guilty. On the other hand was this incredible feeling I get whenever I’m around Alex. You can insult me all you want, but I’m telling you right now that until you’ve experienced the awkwardness of that position, you will never understand. If I had heard a story like this 12 months ago, I would have been shocked and insulting as well. But isn’t that the beauty of life? Learning? Becoming wiser? Seeing how hypocritical you are? If you were never a hypocrite, you would never learn from anything.

In a more direct response to the question, yes I have a conscience. But I suppose what made it all easier was the fact that I had to sit there watching her rule his life and treat him like crap for 2 months while I was completely in love with him… and I had to defend him to her in order to keep their relationship sane a few times… and I had to hear about her… and I had to go shopping with him for a 6 month anniversary present… And I know maybe it doesn’t sound like much, and I know that morally this way of looking at the situation is totally skewed and unimportant… but I know what she’s going through because I already went through it. As a friend and a person I love Vanessa… but I have no respect for how she treats some people (including boyfriends) at all.

I apologize if you don’t understand or don’t want to. I can see your point of view… I can see her point of view… but the point of view doesn’t matter now. Things are how they are now. In 5 months I’ll be gone.