flipping out and falling asleep

I’m so tired and bored that I’m almost in tears. Maybe I’m just feeling sorry for myself. (most likely… but at least I can perceive that) Or maybe I’m just… tired… I feel like I’m being pulled in all directions. Let me give you an idea. At school between classes and at lunch/band, I’m usually with Nolan. I’ll admit that right now. But I also hang out with other people during that time in addition to Nolan. Then there are plans I make just with friends. And that’s great… I love my friends. Somehow, though, it feels like suddenly I have all these plans, and no time for Nolan one on one?? I KNOW I see him everyday, and I know we’re always together, but it’s different… it just is. Ahhh… too many things.

One of those entries… must stop…

Tonight my sister packed. She’s leaving me tomorrow. I should really be more upset than I am. Of course, I’m sad… and it’s rather depressing, but I’m used to life without her and with my car. I’m a senior, and I have my own life, as weird as that is. I don’t know… I spent the night with my family. We went out to eat, and then we packed her. I’m glad I did, no doubt about that, because I want to cram in as much time with her as possible. At the same time, it’s a Friday night… the only Friday night for a long time that I don’t have band obligations. Nolan had asked me if I had plans tonight, and of course I did… Meg called me tonight to see if I could do something (which I couldn’t) because she’d seen him walking his dog with his brother tonight. *frowns* He should’ve gone out and hung out with some friends or something. Whatever.

I’m sitting here FALLING ASLEEP. I am soooooo tired… and all I want is to just talk to Nolan. Who was supposed to download AIM tonight… but I wouldn’t know, because I haven’t talked to him, and he doesn’t have my screen name. ANOTHER ONE OF THESE FREAKING ENTRIES.

The worst part about the latter half of this evening was the fact that Mom just KEPT asking me if I was ok. “I’m worried about you – you look sad.” I’m FINE. Leave me alone! Goodness.

I talked to Ryan the other night. Again. Was it last night? I can’t remember. At any rate, I really need to not talk to him. It puts me in a very weird place… especially what we were talking about. But I can’t not talk to him. I have to if he’s on. I just do. I sit next to Brian in physics. We joke around a lot, and that’s cool. Do we remember the RO dilemna? Involving two very different drummers? A certain Ryan and a certain Brian? Well, here’s a new twist to it. I have a boyfriend who is not a drummer, whose name does NOT rhyme with those names. And I really do like Nolan very much. But pieces of me still like those other two as well. Pieces of me wish I were still single so I could at least flirt or feel like I could without this extreme sense of guilt. Of course, a majority of me loves being in a relationship with Nolan. It’s new… it’s… lovely… he’s… lovely… But it’s that small part that nevertheless concerns me. *sigh*

Now I’m talking to Jon… uhh… how to explain who Jon is. Jon is the guitar in Jared and Ryan’s band… Andrew is vocals and guitar, but he’s not on right now. ANYWAY, yeah I’m talking to Jon… apparently Ryan’s depressed too. How many depressed sophomore punks that live 2 1/2 hours away and are madly in love with me can there BE? Good lord…

This is me being paranoid and overly analytical of the situation.

Maybe I’ll just fall asleep and be

~swept away in my dreams~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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