feelings expressed… more doubting

I really am feeling sort of what Pastrami’s going through. The entire not wanting to write but feeling somewhat obligated. For what? It’s not like I have any readers anymore. I wonder where they all went. Seems to me they all either left, don’t care, or hate me. Fun stuff.

I feel more the need to just write my soul with a pen and a diary. Like I did last night. It was the perfect way to end my night. Writing, reading… except for that entire not sleeping part. I’m wanting to shut myself off from the world. Except for Ms. G… as strange as that sounds. I want to not have posted that entry I wrote last night. I’m wanting to sort things out with friends without them reading my feelings first. I want privacy. And yet I want my readers. For some reason I write with voice when I know someone’s reading. I go to write in my diary with my pen, and I still write like people are reading. It sounds better. Flows easier. Like I’m writing to someone.

I’d miss the inside jokes. The allusions to conversations and other diaries. The contact. I won’t stop writing. But it may be less frequently.

I never understood people leaving because their friends or boyfriends/girlfriends were offended that THEIR personal lives were online. I’m starting to see though. I’m starting to see the invasion. Especially if you have a significant other. Sure it’s your life to do what you please, but it’s theirs too.

To Aims and Emma… I really did want to sit with you guys at lunch. I’m trying to figure out ways that I can still see you all and talk to you all during school. I don’t want to alienate anyone. Please help me out on this… I’m new at this boyfriend stuff… just work with me. If you were at all offended by one of the previous entries, I’m extremely sorry… those are only my innermost thoughts. I hate holding things back, but it’s another reason I’m doubting my existance here.

With that, I’ll be

~swept away in turmoil~

@~>~>-dreamergrrl

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