crying too much

Maybe it’s just me, I don’t really know. But I’m just way too tired and I’m crying too much at things. And I think I’m perfectly justified in them, just no one else thinks so. Last night I cried after making a comment to a friend online to which he replied, gee really genius? OK, I don’t know why I cried, and I wasn’t REALLY, but there were tears in my eyes. He was in a bad mood, and then I just got depressed. (no, it wasn’t HIM)

Today I wrote an email to my best friend. It was sort of trying to patch the worn spot before it becomes a hole, if you know what I’m saying. I think our friendship is in jeopardy, and we never talk anymore. So anyway, I was trying to make sure I hadn’t done anything, and I was just trying to be hopeful that when marching band starts we’ll see each other more and can talk, etc. This is what she wrote back:

FIRST OF ALL YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT THINGS ARE NEVER OK WITH ME. I AM JUST WAITING THEM OUT THOUGH. THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE I CAN DO ABOUT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, AND I KNOW HOW THINGS GO IN MY LIFE, SO I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THESE THINGS, I HOPE. SOMETIMES THINGS LOOK ONE WAY AND SOMETIMES THINGS LOOK ANOTHER WAY, BUT THEY NEVER GO HOW THEY SHOULD. I ALSO THINK THAT IT IS THE PURSUIT THAT IS KILLING ME TOO.

Maybe it doesn’t sound bad to you, but to me I just burst out in tears. You know how if you know a person well enough you can just hear how the words come out? For her, this does not sound friendly, right, ok to me. The CAPS LOCK doesn’t help either – I’ve noticed her using it for a couple of days now. In addition to that I don’t even know what she’s talking about!!!! What pursuit that is killing her? I mean, of course I know she’s always not right, but it seemed like she was getting defensive about my asking if she’s alright, you know? I don’t know, so I shouldn’t expect you to either, but… Well I’m scared, and I cried, and I want my friend back.

I emailed her back, basically semi-bitching her out, and now I regret that. Wrong course of action. So just now I emailed her again and tried just saying what I was feeling and basically everything I’ve mentioned here except more specific about certain things.

Meanwhile I’m still icky from crying and I need sleep.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl