Boi bye

Look, I’m not especially proud of this entry I’m about to write, but it’s where I’m at. Sometimes you have to wake up and face your own pettiness… or maybe your own hurt. I’ve been separated from my husband (C) for about 3 months to the day. And last weekend I started filling out all the divorce paperwork. It remains the best and hardest choice I’ve ever made for myself, and I have absolutely no question that it is the right thing for both of us. I do not have any interest in getting back together with him. I’ve even been back on the dating scene for about 2 months, including casually seeing J for the past 6 weeks. Given that, what I’m about to say may not make any sense.

A couple weeks ago, C let me know he was going on his first first date—and I was truly happy for him. We chatted a bit, and I even followed up at the end of the night to see how it went. It went well! They were going to have a second date! Awesome, I both thought and told him. That was until the night of their second date, when I found that he had checked in on Facebook with her. This, of course, seems like a perfectly innocuous thing, and certainly a thing that should not bother a grown-ass happy-with-her-life-choices 35-year-old. Here’s the thing, though. It was a big deal. It was a big deal because I’ve been so careful not to talk about my dating life on Facebook… and been so careful not to overtly tell Facebook what’s going on. I figured when we were both ready we’d make some sort of joint statement to our friends.

Some may be quick to point out that “I figured” is hardly an agreement between two people, and they’d be exactly right. In some ways it was poignant that I, per usual, continued to think more about him than about me and simultaneously assumed things without fully communicating them. AND I don’t care. This is just another example of him taking my emotions for granted, and doing whatever the hell he goddamn wants.

Alright, so one check-in… big deal. Until it happened again the next day. By the last time I talked to him—one week into dating her, I might add—he was telling me it was getting serious and that they’d spent almost every free moment together.

What in the actual fuck.

This is the same man who pushed away from me because he just wanted his independence. This is the same man that would always be too tired or too full or too whatever to go out with me or want to do anything with his life. This is the guy who needed his own space so badly and yet fought me so hard on separating. And he’s already in a serious relationship and is all lovey-dovey on Facebook? (and yes it has escalated beyond two check-ins)

Ok, so let’s break down all my feelings:

• I’m glad he’s happy
• This really sends home the point that this was the right move for both of us
• Maybe new, in-therapy C is healthy enough to be capable of a new relationship
• This totally sucks
• I’m angry that he’s already in a fairly public “serious” relationship
• I’m angry that I know that this is always how his relationships start… they start off strong and heavy and good
• I’m angry that she looks like she’s from his hometown
• I’m angry that she looks boring, and totally aesthetically unlike me
• I’m angry that at the same time, she looks just like me from when I was younger
• I wonder if they have a sex life
• I wonder why I stayed in a marriage with no sex life
• I’m so glad I have a sex life
• But seriously if they’re having sex I’m even more pissed off
• I’m disappointed in myself that I’m angry
• I kind of want him to be miserable.
• He doesn’t deserve to be this happy this quickly with another human. He deserves to be this happy on his own, maybe.

So there we go. I am glad he is happy and also wish he was more miserable.

And also I took myself out to brunch alone yesterday for Easter which was completely amazing. And I posted on Facebook about it. And fuck you, goodbye.