at this point

Several things need to be quickly highlighted at this point in the weekend.

First of all, Rob needs to stop flattering me and coming on to me online. Really… needs to stop. I don’t care if he’s just being nice and friend-ish or not, because to girls, no – that’s coming on. Furthermore (why do I sound like German comp?) he needs to realize that just because we’re friends and talk now, and just because I went to his Eagle Scout Ceremony and party, does not make us best friends. I have so many other people I need to do stuff with before I leave. I know that sounds horrible, but I only write my feelings.

Secondly, I need to never see Jared again… ever. I hope I never see him again in my entire life, in fact. He drove down to my grandma’s today so we could hang out for a couple of hours. Or 6 hours… upon which I had to make up an excuse so that he would leave. Mm, but anyway – do we remember how he was supposed to be over me? Well, bad idea on this grrl’s part for inviting him and wanting to get together. He never stopped staring at me. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but even as we sat at Steak n’ Shake eating, he stared at me. While he was eating. Literally. He would literally never take his eyes off of me while picking up french fries. Things just need to change. He needs to not go to Cedar Point, he needs to not go to Reach Out, he needs to move on with his life. I got the entire “I told you so” from Jon that I was expecting. But he’s being really nice and helpful about the entire situation. Thank God. I still want to hang out with Jon sometime – wish I actually knew the kid face to face.

I never cease to amaze myself with my own stupidity. I mean, you’d honestly think that by this age and time in my life, I’d figure out which guys are jerks, which friends I need to be careful with, who is like me, who’s not like me… how to handle certain people and certain situations… but no. It seems like every week I do something incredibly stupid in my relationships with either friends or family. Take two weeks ago, when my mom was discussing her orchestra trip. She was describing one of her students wearing too few clothes, and we asked if she was heavy. “Not heavy… she’s a little bigger than I am.” “Well that’s heavy Mom.” -insert foot in mouth- My mom just lost a lot of weight – she honestly looks great. I wasn’t meaning that she was heavy at all. What I meant was, for an eighth grader, that would be what the majority of our cultural standards would consider heavy or above average. As soon as it came out of my mouth, I thought I would go straight to hell for the shame of it all. I felt so bad. Then I go and make Jared crazy madly depressed and in love with me for a THIRD time. Hello? Might I bring to your attention my past fiasco with Andy from camp and then with Alex? How about the entire year in regards to Kim and Aimee and Emma? Oh, and what is with my trend of always falling in love with boys who are already taken? And then stealing some of them without actually maliciously doing anything? How about when I become so completely self-centered that I forget to be interested and happy about what’s going on in a friend’s life?

Sometimes I feel so old, finally mature and ready for life. But there is so much I’m still not ready for… I have so much to learn. I wish I could be smart again.