a whim

Just kinda felt like writing in my old
haunt.  Crazy the things that make you go back and reminisce.  This
time it was a strange im from the past… Andy.  Chris was here, said hi to
Andy (obviously Chris just hates anyone i used to like), and Andy says “you
better be good to my girl”… where the fuck did that come from.  Anyway,
it inspired me to come back here and look at that “I want to slap myself for
ever liking you” entry I wrote…  I guess Andy was only joking, but still,
how strange of him.

I thought you might like to know that
I fully intend to marry Chris after college… I’m very much in love with him –
it’s insane.  I couldn’t be happier!

School is rough right now… I’m
taking a lot of difficult classes, and for whatever reason, it seems that no
matter how long I study or how well I actually know things, my grades are still
pretty much the same.  For example, I got back my first jazz history exam
today – got the same score I got on my first physics exam.  This seems
wrong, no?  I don’t know.  Then again, I think I aced my discrete math
exam, so who knows.

Did I mention I’m a computer science
major?

Life is strange right now.  I
don’t really live in my room… I store my things there, but I live with Chris
(and his roommate Dusty) in their dorm room.  I sleep here… shower here
once in awhile, but not really… my computer’s here… all of my schoolbooks
are here… I don’t think Kelly likes it, and I don’t think Beckie approves of
it – but I dont’ really care.  I went through the guilt trip thing first
semester, and it still happens sometimes, but I’m sick of it.  I’m here
because I love Chris… and I’m good friends with a lot of people in this
dorm.  I’m happy here, I get more sleep here (it’s true, I go to bed
between 11:30 and 1 every night – whenever I stay in my dorm I go to bed between
2 and 3:30), I study more here, and I spend more time with the man I love.
If we weren’t in school, we’d be married…

I don’t like to be away from him for
very long – he’s an addiction, and I’ve become quite dependent on him… but…
I can be away from him… I’m still functional, and I still have plenty of
friends… I’d just rather be here.  We still have our personal spaces and
times… but… really… we’re practically married…

11 months Friday.

Sometimes not living where I live
stresses me more than just staying there would.

Makes my life a lot easier too.

I’m gaining weight, eating too much, too
greasy, too chocolatey, too holiday-ish.  But we’re getting past the
ThanksgivingChristmasFiveMillionBirthdaysMyBirthdayValentinesDay season… and
it’s getting warmer…

I walk more back and forth between
dorms when it’s not 8 degrees.  My car tempts me though.  But it’s a
hassle too… doesn’t really save time… just energy and/or warmth.

Wait, that’s the same thing.

I think I’m going to bed soon.

Next year I’ll be editor of the
literary magazine.  I’m assistant editor now.  Wish I could write…
remember when I used to think I could?  I don’t think I have the warmth…
energy?… stamina…

Want?

I’d rather program.  But not
really.  Programming’s just more of a puzzle.  Mind games… word
tricks… writing is…

The same thing.  But vastly
different.  Less structure, less logic… less likely to be good at it…

I like living with men… I can get my
shit done.  I can  hang out.  I don’t know.

I should sleep or finish my program or
something.  Damn it all.  Anyway, writing here was just kinda… you
know…

whatever…

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