a long long day

I went to Contest today. In fact, I woke up at 5:30 to go to contest. I was there by 7:50 and performed my piano solo at 8:50. I nailed my runs! Ahh, it was great. Confidence was there, no memory slips, and I wasn’t nervous. No shakey fingers, no butterfly stomach… it was one of the best performances of my life, perhaps. (Got a one, by the way.) After that I spent several hours just going to different rooms and hearing all of my friends play solos and ensembles. Ahh, I love doing that. Supporting people and hearing their abilities… I heard everything from clarinet to piano to viola to bassoon, oboe, flute, sax, snare, trumpet, violin… everything. And hey… Jon from camp was there! -Ahh!- It was really neat to be able to see him and talk a little bit. So anyway, I accompanied Alex at 3:20, and then Garett at 4:00. After listening to the gray band sax quartet at 4:40, I finally headed home. I think we got home at around 5:15 or so… and I just crashed.

I love performing when I’m not nervous. Everything clicked for the accompaniments… everything. I was playing most of the notes, I wasn’t rushing, I was following well, my fingers weren’t shaking. I think I’ve finally convinced myself that no one cares how I play… it’s about the solo, and therefore I don’t get nervous at all! -yeah breakthroughs-

Now I’m just kind of… well, at home. Vegging. Parents out to dinner, I have nothing to do. I’m not allowed to really do anything anyway, because of the entire -asthma-walking pneumonia-you need your rest- thing, although I must admit I’m rather too tired for that anyway. Have you ever experienced that mental state where you’re too lazy to get up off the couch, but you don’t really feel like reading or doing anything creative while laying down, and you just kind of stare at the television? And you really feel quite bored with life and realize that that might possibly be due to the fact that you don’t have a life? It’s as if you’re not content, but you can’t think of anything you’d rather be doing. Not really depression, although I’ve misconstrued it as such many a time, but rather a state of indecidedness. Inconclusion-ness.

I’d love to be on a date right now, except I’m too tired and, well, no date to be had. I’d love to be driving around in my own car right now, but well… not allowed, I’m a little tired to be driving, plus my car is about 4 1/2 hours away. No matter what direction I atttempt to take, I can’t win. And so I don’t try, I just sit and stare at the movie that’s on TV. And, in the name of Stuart Smalley, “That’s ok.”

Sometimes I wonder how I became so morally corrupt. Don’t get me wrong, I still have morals, and I’m seriously not all that corrupt. But some of my decisions and wants as of late have just not been good. Not at all. Und ich fuehle, dass ich kaum ueber es sprechen kann. Zu viele Leuten lesen… und sie duerfen nicht wissen. Auch die Meg… obwohl sogar sie noch nicht ein bisschen wissen kann.

Mensch. Warum habe ich das getan? Was habe ich getan? Nichts, jedoch etwas. Die Gedanken… sie sollten da nie sein. Die Gefuehle… Ja, ok, sie sind nicht da jetzt, aber sie waren! Und ich… sein Bein… und meine Hand… zu eng. Ein Witz, natuerlich… aber ich habe mich “eingeschraubt”. Ein Teufel auf eine Schulter, und ein Engel auf die andere. Und der Teufel… er hat letztes Wochenende gewonnen. Ich hasse mich.

Jetzt kann ich sagen, dass ich doof war. Ich weiss… und ich habe die Gedanken jetzt niemals. Aber ich finde mich… schlecht. Unmoralisch. Ehh… es wuerde eine grosse Combo Orgie werden worden, wenn jeder Person keine Freundin oder Freund hatten. Es war so gut wie sowieso! Mensch.

Ok, I just had to get that out. Even though that wasn’t even very specific. I think Emma knows what I mean, and now Meg and Dani probably understand a little too. Good lord… Emma can we talk?

So contest was good… I sleep forever eternally because I’m sick… and life is strange.

Deine,
Träumermädchen