a light

I wrote an entry last night. Perhaps it’s better that it didn’t save. Perhaps it wasn’t supposed to. It was entitled “gray” and it was honest. Very very honest. I’m going to just tell you one thing from what I wrote – and that is not everything is black and white. You can’t be neutral, I agree, there’s no way. But you don’t have to choose either. Gray. People can be both right and wrong… people can be wrong in one person’s context and right in another’s. Stop the pettiness, stop the childishness. Some of us will only be here for 3 more days. Let us love those we want to love and simply accept or avoid those we don’t. But MU vs. ONU does not work in my book.

Heather called me today… she wanted to go visit Kristen at work, but obviously didn’t have a way. I was so excited… I could think of nothing better to do than go visit her, not to mention have Heather with me! But then my mom said “I don’t think so.” So. That didn’t happen. I talked to Heather for a little while anyway (until my mom shouted that I had to watch Oprah because it was about rape. Anyway, it was really nice to talk to her… I’ve talked to her once on the phone before, but we didn’t really have a lot to say then. Now it felt like we could talk and were actually friends… that was nice… we were feeling some of the same pressures. During our conversation I mentioned that I had another recital tonight. She asked when and where… I told her, but didn’t really think she’d show up. So at the end when Kim put her hands on my shoulders, and I asked if Heather had told her, and Heather suddenly appeared too, I was very happy. And it made me realize kind of what I realized last night, but in a more rational manner: I love the people I love, screw the division, screw the fighting, screw black screw white… I’m gray.

There are people I’m really disappointed in right now. And they’re not necessarily people that I’m close to right now… they’re not necessarily people that I want to be around lately, but nevertheless, they disappointed me. That disappointment mixed with the alone-ness that all of this fighting has caused combined last night. I felt pretty crappy, I felt like crying, I felt like I wanted to scream at everyone and tell everyone they were all wrong. I felt like going back into anti-social Erin. But I’m going to hold on to some things. I’m going to hold on to Kristen – like I’ve said, she is such a blessing in my life – definitely a best friend. I’m going to hold on to Liz – even though I still don’t know her incredibly well, I have a tremendous respect for her. I’m going to hold on to Kim – there are issues right now, and I know that, but Kim has the ability to shine God out through her eyes. I’m going to hold on to Doug, because we have a trust right now, and Doug is a good guy. I’m going to hang on to Gretchen because she is my sister… she is a best friend… and she is my twin. I’m going to hang on to Michelle for dear life – even if we rarely see each other. I’m going to hang on to Steve and Heather and Shelbie and Emily and John and Garett. Nothing else matters. Nothing.

Michelle also called me today after I got her voice mail. It was fun to talk to her again… I like Michelle a lot. It’s not fair that we live so far apart, even if it is only an hour. -sigh-

There are so many people I want to see before I go, but there’s not enough time. My family wants me home a lot, and I still have tons of packing to do. How can I balance this??? Maybe I can get everyone to come help me pack.