a brick wall in my mind

Yes… monotone. No reaction. No feeling. No emotions. No conviction. Purely thoughts.

This morning I did not hear my 6:45 alarm until 8:09. No chance for church. I went back to sleep until almost noon.

I got up, went into my parents bedroom. My mom was all drugged up wearing a neck brace. (My dad had taken her to the ER last night.) Roh’s neck. (sp?) I guess it’s not all that uncommon. It was a little strange though. She was not altogether… herself.

I went downstairs, logged on. Jess, Jake, and Jake were on. But only Jess was actually there. She left. I logged off. I felt that I should perhaps get dressed or something.

My hair is straight. That’s not right. As superficial as this may sound, I’m not me without my curly hair. I mean, I’m still me, but, it’s not right.

I decided to read. My sister went to the grocery store because my mom obviously couldn’t. My dad was working out in the yard. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything to help, but I couldn’t leave the house because of my mom. So I read. I’m reading “The Firm”. It’s a decent book so far, but it does make you cynical. People killed…

I helped my sister when she came home. Then we finished watching “The Godfather Part II”. More killing… killing family… just killing.

And so now I’m here. I think all of those events made me very… cynical? Or not even that, but… un-feeling. You can only take so much killing. It’s not even that… illusions broken… things taken away… dreams killed…

I’m not making any sense, but this is how I’m feeling. Someone took my dream and squeezed all the juice out until it no longer exists.

Called Jaimie… asked about summer gym. Sign up tomorrow “starts” at 7:30. Line will be too long by then, so I told her that she should get there a lot earlier. (I’m getting there at 6.) She was just like, “yeah, whatever – I don’t really care.” We didn’t have much to say after that. So we didn’t. Said bye and hung up. That just says it all.

Did I just use names in this entry? I think I did. Screw it. Who cares.

@~>~>-dreamergrrl