when you built that first wall

every time i wake up, i expect you to be there with your hand underneath my shirt or your fingers in my hair, your weight on the other side of the mattress. i expect to open doors to you, to sit across a table and share a meal with you, to find your car waiting in the driveway after work. i want to find little notes you’ve left me in the pockets of pants i haven’t worn lately, stuck in the pages of books, your handwriting on a piece of paper that’s taped to a cd. and, your presence is with me everywhere, a shadow that stands beside me on the street, holds my hand on long walks, while buying groceries. it is a mystery; you are the only company i have, a ghost of a figure who urges me on. then sometimes when we talk, it’s as though we don’t understand our language. i try to tell myself it was never about the right words. it’s not the words. i’ve always told myself that words could somehow close open wounds, that they could pry open the things that have been closed. ask anyone i’ve ever loved. i’ve scattered words over telephone wires that stretch across too many miles. maybe sometimes our hands reach from too far a distance inside of us. our mouths move to make sentences, your mouth not moving with my own, my mouth moving alone.
i think i will begin to take it easy on affection. fuck skin against skin, fuck the softness of fingertips, and fuck the warmth of a hand that is not my own. it’s like what i told amanda. you don’t want to relate to that side of you that wants to read harlequin novels or say the word romance. i feel ashamed for my supposed green and unbridled passion. but say; i’ve got two hungers to ween and control now.
it’s so nice to feel redflowers between my legs again, it’s so nice to feel uncontrollably insane. like a girl.

this is war

April 6, 2005

oh the shivers i felt reading this. beautiful ;;

gutterflower.

i enjoy being a girl. alot.

oh; and you look nice in that photograph.

(catalyst)

this may be the best thing I have read in a while. I especially like the first one. –brittany–

clear vision

what’s the code one uses for putting up pictures? lovely writing 🙂

dial tone.

April 7, 2005

oh god, it does feel so nice tobe uncontrollably insane. xo;

fabulous.

April 11, 2005

absolutely wonderful

how have you been?

nooo, i didnt get any message? whats good?

April 12, 2005

ill call you, because i guess my mom wants to come and talk to maria tomorrow?

April 13, 2005

…i forgot to call you, but i think we are going to go and talk to maria today.. in like, three hours? see ya.

vacant.

April 19, 2005

wonderful.xx

.sway

April 22, 2005

happy birthday. ((early)) did you get my message on your phone? i went to friendlys for dinner and curt, hanna, my aunt, uncle and grandmother were in the next booth over. it was odd to say the least.

April 27, 2005

youre like, seriously, second to last updated on my favourites list. UPDATE!