putting my heart in the icebox

i don’t know why sometimes i can’t bring myself to speak. it’s almost as if my mouth is a fireplace, and as soon as the chimney starts smoking, i flip the damper on and poison everyone in the house. this is the only illustration i can use to try and explain what it feels like.
last week this man came into the cafe and paid for his latte with exact change and i said “perfect” and he said “anything perfect scares me.” i told him that the irony of perfection is that it’s found through being ok with your faults. he told me i made sense. i don’t know where the sentence came from.
i remember being afraid to go to heaven because it would be the same all the time. my mother thought i was being dramatic, but to me it’s always been more important to be an individual than to model perfection. i think i like things a little fucked-up. i don’t have the clearest complexion and yeah, i want to be about ten pounds thinner. in the reiki practioners handbook, it said anorexia and bulimia are bought on in females who think they are not “good enough”. i hardly have a noticeable eating disorder now, but then again, i don’t let the fact that i think i am inadequate govern my life half as much.
and i am working on my issues with sex. i have a hard time initiating anything and you would almost think i had the sex drive of a sea sponge. this is extremely deceiving of me as it is the 180 degree opposite of how things are in my head. i don’t know if being open in this area makes me feel vulnerable, afraid of rejection, ashamed, prideful, of all of the above. i sometimes feel like a oversexed sixteen year old boy, and he is one of the many voices i try not to let talk.

touchthefloor.

December 6, 2004

that dam*ed sixteen yr old boy always gets us into trouble. poisonous words – yes i can relate.

gutterflower.

is that what you did to me with your hands? reiki? is that what it was?

dial tone.

December 7, 2004

i think heaven would be too clean for me,i like comfortable mess.oh, france would be wonderful.

December 9, 2004

dude… dimebags dead.

hey, it’s tony.. call me sometime and give me the updates of your fascinating life *wink* 860 874 4526

December 10, 2004

what is it with the two of you posting your phone number on the internet???? dimebag daryl… hes dead.

December 11, 2004

youre coming today, right?

December 12, 2004

yea it was so nice to see you at my xmas party….

Aarin

December 15, 2004

#2. People soak in wisdom over the years. If you’re smart and creative (which you are) it just kinda spills out. #4. I hear ya. I think more than I initiate/say. It’s a work in progress, and some people never hit a comfort level. You gotta want to:)

December 16, 2004

i knew they all were. i saw hannas ring at the party. it was nice… even tho that is so strange, and all. did you know that matt and julie are also engaged? call me sometime.

I know just how you feel with all of it. You are not alone in your shyness. Always Yours, Diane P.S.I didn’t notice that you changed the title until just now. I like it(but I still like “in all the way the body bends” better).