Well.

I’m unsure of whose life I am leading. I used to feel happy with teaching and there’s nothing I want to do less than go back in a few weeks to teaching. Mostly because I have two kids that I would rather be with. They may drive me mentally insane but I love them and want to spend this time with them. These years I can’t get back. They won’t remember. That gives me solace. But I will. I don’t want to miss Vera’s laugh or Atlas getting excited about something. I don’t want to be gone from 7am-4:30 five days a week. I will miss them so much.

There is no air conditioning in my classroom and no blinds in several areas so I don’t know how I’ll pump. Everyone’s planning is in the morning so I have one 30 minute time at lunch. It’s not fair I have to be done because my job isn’t conducive to a mother.

Vera has had me her whole 14 months of life and Atlas has had me since March 2020. I don’t know what it’s like to not be around them and I don’t want to know.

I’m always fixing something making it less shitty and there is so much to do of that in my classroom. It’s overwhelming. The effort I’ve had to put into this house has exhausted me of projects and I have to do so much in that room. I’m so tired. I’m also tired of America and how it treats mothers and women.

I love my kids. I don’t regret having them but if I could go back maybe I wouldn’t have them to spare myself the stress of being a working mom. Being in charge of just myself. Not ruining my kids’ lives or giving them childhood trauma with me as their mom.

I do think mentally I’m stronger than I was a year ago but overall it’s just taken a lot out of me to live my life.

My mom is in bad health with arthritis and my dad’s dementia is getting worse. My sister just takes trips and has her family to worry about. Dustin and I are honestly thinking we might have to sell this house and make my parents sell their house and buy a big house with all of our money so that we can help take care of them. And then I am stuck in a town I don’t want to raise my kids in. I can’t really move my parents to a different town or state. That would stress them out. They had no plans for the future except my mom’s retirement money. Money has always been a stress for them since they’re bad with it. I’ve been suffering from their money issues my whole life.

So that’s it.