The Problem In Being Correct

I am mostly doom and gloom when it comes to things in my life. So when I was absolutely positive my parents wouldn’t take care of their health and my mom’s incredible stress at my father’s dementia finally has taken its toll like I said it would, I don’t even know how to react. I am still just angry. Angry at how poorly my mother has taken care of herself and her lack of advocating on her behalf. I once told her that I know it will take one fluke thing to ruin their life as they continue to not make a will and take care of themselves.

My mom recently passed out in my childhood bedroom and didn’t call 911 after blacking out and hurting her ribs. She’s like 73 about to be 74. She was in bed for days before she even told me. She doesn’t take good care of herself, she subs a lot, doesn’t drink water, work out, eat well enough or rest. She never listened to her body. I grew up thinking sick days are weakness and being idle is not important.

She’s injured her ribs badly and is only now going to a doctor tomorrow. Almost a week later. My parents can’t take care of themselves and they live in a house that is absolutely not meant for old people.

In the next five years I’ll absolutely lose one of my parents.

And the thing is it is tough. But also they didn’t foster a relationship with me growing up that built any sort of deep connection. And it’s so incredibly wild to think about this. I care for them as I am supposed to. In the way that I am grateful I was provided for. The necessary material things I was given.

I’ll do my best to help where I can and when I can. I’m subbing myself next year and not taking a full time job to take care of my kids and to be able to be more open with my schedule for their last years. I don’t know. 5-10 is it.

I know both of my parents didn’t have the love they needed. I did not get emotional connection for either and now that my dad has dementia, I won’t be getting much there. It’s ok. I parented myself and did the best I could with parents who fought, yelled and maybe hugged me or ask me how I was a few times a year. They were proud of my accomplishments, of course, but they were not super empathetic kind people.

I’m realizing a lot and dealing with a lot on figuring out how to navigate the declining health of both my parents at the same time.

I’m really numb to it at this point.

I don’t know what feelings to have.

So I probably won’t have any right now.