Reflection

I haven’t written in this for quite some time. I feel wise, but also insane. I feel like I understand myself more than ever, but that no one else still can or does. I feel like I progressively dislike my parents and I realize that is a problem for some people, but it isn’t a problem for me. I have to let people understand that just because I feel no connection to them as my parents and that they raised me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that they’re my parents and that I do help when needed. That I do help when my sister needs help with them. One of the things that makes me insane is when Dustin tells me they didn’t abuse me or something. Like ok? And never talking to me about feelings or raising me or giving me advice or playing with me or hanging out with me could be seen as….a form of abuse. But I don’t think they abused me. I really don’t. They did their best with what they were capable of, but do I have to accept that? Not really. Could my mother reflect on her behavior instead of say that she is the worse mother ever if I were to bring up a feeling or ask a question on why this happened to me? Possibly. Can I hold my father accountable for calling me a bitch before, saying, I’m sorry you feel that way, cheating on my mother and leaving the family a few times? No because he has dementia. Can I have my feelings and not have people say I will miss them when they’re gone? Yes. Can I accept my mother birthed me, but feel no connection to her? Yes. I am not the victim anymore. I felt why me…a lot of times. I felt sad that I didn’t have parents who had the capacity to know me. To care about my feelings, my favorite color, my favorite movie, what I like to do. To have parents who didn’t talk about other people’s weight or looks, are that my only accomplishments were soccer and good grades and being a teacher. To have parents who taught me empathy for others instead of saying people are just jealous or ugly.

To not have been raised by these two people who should never have procreated together would’ve been awesome. And their behaviors caused me a lot of problems that I am resolving myself. I cannot hold these people accountable for their emotional immaturity. I cannot even hold my husband accountable for his emotional blocks because I am too tired. I am too tired of expecting anything out of anyone except myself. I don’t really expect anything….out of anyone, however I had a break through with my sister and that’s incredibly important.

My parents are my parents and that’s all. They put me on this earth. That’s all. And as I unfolded and broke apart all the things in my life…I reflected. And that’s all one can do. I chose to not be a victim because I wasn’t loved how I needed.  I don’t actually even blame them for their inability to reflect, go to counseling, sit down with me and talk to me. They never were able to talk about real feelings and that is why this diary has been an incredible part of my needs to reflect and get ideas down. I am forever grateful for this place.

As my children age and have questions, you best believe I will listen and apologize when needed. I will validate and take responsibility. They cycle of invalidation and being misunderstood ends with me and if my children decide to have children, I am so happy that they had the experience to feel and talk. That’s really all for not.