Pressure Machine

Today is a day that is important. I wish I could have been my mother. Today I finally got medicine for my anxiety which may also be ADHD, but they treat the anxiety first. I could feel the medication almost immediately. It was subtle, but it felt like someone turned down my brain that never lets me relax. But it made me absolutely exhausted because my body was not used to any sort of calm. And it never has. Which goes back to my comment that I wish I could have been my mother. I wish I could’ve asked the questions that I so desperately wanted to answer. About my anxiety basically since I can remember my first memories.

The feelings of just not being “normal”.

I’m excited to make the needed changes like dealing with my absolutely train wreck parents by going to counseling for myself.

I am happy to have a doctor in my corner. One who is open and honest and hugged me after my appointment. She was amazing and listened to me.

My entire life has been spent with people who don’t feel like me and when I try to explain, they generally shut me out or say my feelings are my problem, not theirs. It started with my parents and many of my friendships and at least my husband is doing his best to understand and stands by me and works with me for the most part. I know he wants to help.

I also know what the changes in my life will bring about. There’s boundaries with never staying at my childhood home because I can’t bear to watch the significant health issues of my parents and have my kids watch it.

They’ll be boundaries with people that were friends but have left me in some way shape or form. There’s just changes when you get older and have kids or get busy with life. Which really is just life. Life is a lot.

But life isn’t so much that you can’t check in and also ask about things that are important.

I also mentally can’t deal with some things that aren’t really my problem but my values and feelings make me unable to be around some people and drama that ensues.

I have to do everything to be the best mom I can be first. And that’s getting my mental state correct.

It is accepting that my mother is toxic and has narcissistic traits that made growing up a nightmare and that I don’t have to feel guilty to not see her as much and I do not need to feel guilty if I can’t always talk to my dad due to resentment and that he just gets to be in lala land about all the bullshit he causes due to his dementia. And I don’t have to make excuses for all the boxes i locked up my childhood traumas until I had children and they all just unlocked simultaneously, making it incredibly hard to deal with among the traumatic ways my kids decided to enter the world in some capacity.

I am glad I am getting the help I need in small steps so I can stop loathing myself and also get my mood in a place that can be stable. I read back on my diary and could’ve used medication in my teens. My mom wouldn’t have done that – it would’ve made her look weak to have someone in the family need an SSRI to be a productive member of society.

I see why people generally have to change their entire patterns of life to get on a better path. And that’s my plan. The only thing I do correctly so far is the self care of staying physically active, as that helps not develop bad coping mechanisms.

I think I’m positive for the first time in awhile and that could change, but right now I’m hopeful.