At Minimum

I feel like I live in the Twilight Zone most days because I don’t know what life I’m living or why I’m living it. I am a mom so I suppose that’s why.

It still doesn’t feel like my life because I don’t really have a dad that is my dad.

My mom is sick or drugged up on meds…which is wild to admit since she’s been on some sort of pain medication since I was like 14.

I have no time to fight with my sister because our parents are an absolute shit mess. My mom has no business taking care of my dad. She truly was never a good caregiver to anyone but her students.
And I guess what it comes down to is my parents fed and clothed me. And I want my kids to spend time with them. But where I am is as close as I can get to them. I will never live in the town I grew up in. It’s not made for me or my family. My kids will not be doing camps on the field I played soccer at. I just cannot. They cannot roam the halls of a middle school I disliked.

It has nothing to do with me really and my issues with the town. It is me trying to give them the best possible experience.

I also have zero regrets and zero stress dreams and zero guilt about not going into a classroom. It is not me right now. Mentally I just am not strong enough to deal with things I used to put up with. I just really don’t have the capacity to give a shit about teaching right now. I’ll sub enough to pay some bills, but Dustin makes in ONE overtime shift what I would in like five days subbing. So. Yeah.

I just don’t have any care or time for so much.

I am not at all the same person I was four years ago or even two. Or even one. It’s wild.

And it’s fine.

My hope is that we still can get back to Boise where my two friends are that are basically the good version of a sister and mom would’ve been for me. I don’t blame it, but so much of my issues stem from my past and also having kids and I’m slowly working on all of that, but also not in a time that is still for me. I’m so much better than I was as a wife and mom, but that’s all I can be right now. That’s all I have the mental ability for and I think that’s actually fine.

That is it.