26 trying to get through 24

Hey, I’m Laziiii. I ended up here because I have a lot of nothing to say. I’m not necessarily depressed right now but I do have depressive disorder. I think about everything and nothing at all. I’d like to think myself intelligent but I wouldn’t say I’m well versed in much of anything nor would I say many basic aspects living in this world make sense to me. I guess I just feel lost again. Honestly, I can’t say that I care all that much whether I live or die but I’m not suicidal. My mortality is not something that bothers me all that much. I spend a lot of time wondering if I’d find some relief in the end. For a long time I was trapped in my own head. Have you ever felt like things were going too slow and too fast at the same time? Did you ever feel like your knees would buckle under the weight of your body but also like you’d float away? Ever felt like you had to hold your breath just to be able to breathe? I have and if it doesn’t make sense to you, it didn’t make much sense to me either. My philosophy is that sometimes the way up is down. Sometimes I’ve hit what I believe to be rock bottom and kept falling before I bounced back at all. In a way I feel like I’m just taking up space. I don’t really have any ambition, there’s nothing I’ve ever really wanted to be, and there’s nothing I find myself wanting to do with my life. I wish I could say, that one day that might change, but that’d probably be lying. I’m here not so much for myself but so I don’t burden my family and other loved ones with my untimely death. Can’t stress enough how not suicidal I am just can’t be bothered to care either way. I am alive yes but I don’t have many moments I look to and say I truly lived in them. My life has been empty and that’s solely my fault. I played the background and rarely wanted to be center stage in anyones life. I also never really stayed consistent with anyone anyway. In hindsight, I’d do a lot of things differently, if only I could go back in time. I live on memory lane because the present isn’t great and the future is grim. I’m running out of time. I have to get up and be a responsible adult again sooner than later. There’s a lot I want to say and even more I don’t that I probably should. Mental health for me is like Cinderella, the clock, eventually strikes 12.