Never Meet Your Hero. Ch.2

To be honest, I find it hard to write this story.

Perhaps, I would find it much easier if I was writing it not now, but, say, in five years. When it’s all gone and doesn’t matter anymore. But, on the other hand, I understand, that by that time a lot of things would have been forgotten, erased from my mind, lost their acuteness. And it would probably not feel the same.

I reckon, a story should be written down like a pizza eaten – as soon as possible. While it’s still fresh and hot.

Usually, when I write my stories asap, they go smooth and easy. But not this time.

I don’t know what to begin with. And I feel like twisting a lot of details – something to hide, something to invent, something to sugarcoat and some harsh, ugly truth to conceal…

But it’s my story, isn’t it.

I’ll have to conceal something, though. At least, I’ll have to give my characters fictional names, although this way the story might lose some of its sauce, but it’s okay.

Yes, it’s my decision.

A random and impartial reader will not care about it. And if a partial one makes a claim, I’ll say “All the events are fictional, all the coincidences are accidental”.

This was a lyrical digression, however, and now let’s get back to the drawing board.

I began my story from the fact that I’m not very welcome in the society. And sometimes I get quite unwelcome, regardless my ostensible goodness, modesty and decency.

So, close and good relationship with my surroundings and even my own family I have never been able to build. That’s why I’ve been suffering from loneliness for most of my life, and I’ve been trying to escape from it as far as possible.

But I can say for sure that one can feel absolutely lonely even being married to the best person in the world.

Unfortunately, a human being tends to get used to even the best things in life – and at times actually get sick of them. Even the most perfect love might go sour in the end – like an uneaten soup in the fridge.

It’s not even about cheating on one of the two. Paradoxically, whether or not there is betrayal in the relationship, it’s always that crucial.

That’s why the most popular shrink advice to work on a marriage or relationship I find just ridiculous. I mean, how to work? To arrange some stupid romantic dinners and stuff, buy lace lingerie, imitate lust that has gone with the wind long ago? Or – even better – to try to conceive a baby with your boring old partner. To let out in the world a new human being, not from passionate love, but your own selfish, petty considerations is the most cruel and disgusting thing, as I reckon.

I believe that all those attempts to rebuild what has turned nto dust long ago are just as useless as to flog a dead horse. Now, the question arises: what for?

I can remember, when I was a child in the mid of nineties, my father bought me a book ‘enciclopedia for girls’. There were all sorts of trash tips on housekeeping. For example, how to widen and lengthen the sleeves and the skirt of your old kid dress you’ve grown out of. Or, here another striking lifehack is: how to ‘freshen’ a stale, moldy end of bread. Carefully cut the mold off with a knife, then heaten the end of the bread holding it over a pot with boiling water so it will get softer in the steam…

Yes, the nineties in Russia were the years of total scarcity. During those famine years such tips might be quite valuable. But in the fed years, like now, they provoke just laughter and bewilderment.

Same here… I guess.

No, I’m not saying that people should definitely part or divorse when their lust and attraction to each other have faded away. Generally speaking, many couples can be okay without love. That is more cost effective and feels somewhat safer when you’re not alone. Especially if both of you realise that out there none of you is really wanted by anyone else.

This understanding is the thing that stops you from the desire to leave your comfort zone and change your life. For, as good old Hyppolite from the good old Soviet movie used to say, “In such a short time one can destroy the past, but one can’t build a future. That’s impossible…”