My Parents

I was told that one way to do this list thing is to write a letter to each of the ppl mentioned- so I think I might try that. It might actually help me get more stuff out and off my chest- or just into the open. So today’s topic- a Letter to My Parents.

Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Dear Mom and Dad,

There have been so many things that I have thought or wanted to say but never did- never did because I thought it was disrespectful. But as I got older, I realised that you didn’t respect me. And once I moved out, I realised that I didn’t want to be living under either of your roofs again.
All through high school I put up with the constant demands of doing chores, I put up with you guys not really paying me attention, and I even got over the double standards between me and the younger siblings.

But over time, the wounds started to open again. I started to remember, and I noticed and learned new things.I realised how controlled and guilt-tripped life had been. If I didn’t help with the wood, I was some how a bad person- even though I had a part-time job since gr 9 so you didn’t pay for anything, outside of food. I never inconvenienced you guys for rides anywhere b/c I knew you never had gas money, and were always tired and such. I lived my dull, boring existence in Clifford- until I started going to Toronto on my own to get away. Once I got out, I saw that there was so much more to do with life then sitting around in Clifford watching the weeds grow.

It bothered me that you didn’t drive me to band practice, but Holly’s mom was driving her so it made sense to car pool- it just would have been nice to switch off once in a while. But what really hurt was you never- not once- showed up for my band recitals. We were good and I was so proud of my accomplishments. I dealt with it all- mainly by covering it up and putting on a happy face. But the worst thing you ever did was when you both told me you would come for sure to one of the concerts. I told everyone- all my friends you were going to be there. Holly’s parents knew and I was so excited that I could say- those are my parents.

And then you never showed up. I kept looking to see if you guys were late or what. And then I accepted that you just weren’t coming. I was crushed. I think it was that moment I lost faith in you guys. I’m pretty sure Holly’s mom knew I was devastated b/c one of the first things she asked me after the concert was if I needed a ride home- her way of saying "don’t worry. I’ll drive you home." I hope she was thinking "wow. Shitty parenting there!"

When I got home I asked why you guys didn’t come- "We’re too tired." Thanks alot guys! Glad you could take an hour out of your day for once for me. It’s not like I asked for the moon. I asked for an hour…apparently too much for you.

Fast-forward a little: Every summer I went up to Wawa to work. I paid my own way there, my own food, never once did you guys drive me, never did you guys pay for anything. I was completely self-sufficient, and I was just fine with that. But you never made the effort to call me. I always had to call- collect, but I had to call. In University, you didn’t drive me. And I understand why- it was in Manitoba. I always had to call, but that’s because I only had a pay phone to use, so I was ok with that.

I moved back to Ontario- eventually to Guelph…an hour away and not once did you guys call me. Not once did you drive down on a Saturday to visit. You only came down to pick me up to go home when it was convenient for you guys.  And then you two decide to split up…and instead of calling me and telling me, Lea-Ann tells me on MSN video chat. I lived an hour away and neither of you could have been bothered to call me and just let me know that you guys were separating. A little common decency, please!

Again, I just suppressed everything and went along my merry way- it’s easier to forget and move on then to bring all this up with you- because you just deny it, don’t listen or pretend to care.

But let’s keep going, shall we? Lea-Ann starts working up in Wawa and area- and she gets driven….and given money. She gets picked up…year after year. I say nothing. Lea-Ann moves into college and gets a ride- I help. I’m happy she got a ride; I would have loved it. I’m not angry that she got a ride…I’m angry that I never did…or was even offered. There were always excuses- the same ones year after year.

I need to move to Ottawa for school- and you both back out of driving me. Dad b/c you were working at the bar. Heaven forbid you take off one night to drive me to university! Mom b/c you just spent 3 days at some internet strangers house, picked Lea-Ann up from Wawa, and then drove her to school. But as soon as I need a ride, you both bail on me. You both knew I was moving here in late August and had made plans to drive me. But you both bailed at the last minute. Thankfully Krys was able to work things out with her mom really quickly so they could drive me.

I’m noticing a theme here- other ppl’s parents treat me better and do things for me!

I have to be honest. I was never hungry, always had a warm house to go to, spent summers in Wasaga Beach, always had clothes and such. My physical needs were met…but my emotional needs were completely ignored. I just wanted you guys there- to share in my growth and happy moments. I wanted to show you guys off to my friends.

But I guess that’s all gone now. I gave up music, don’t live with your guys anymore- and hopefully never will. I learned alot of parenting skills from you guys- mainly in the "what not to do" category.

Someday I’m sure I’ll forgive but until then, I’m gonna be angry.

~Jesse