Journal

June 29, 2021

Hello people,

First, a big life sucks!

I know some people have it worse, that’s what stops me from complaining about this alot. But I have finally broken, I might convince myself to stop thinking like this, that I’m being the ungrateful brat I am. And be appreciative that I have things that others dream to have. Life hates me. The fates are against me. Why, I don’t know, but apparently I’m the source of everyones problems. Yesterday my mom and my sister were eating Lays chips by the couch, they left a mess. Today my mom looked straight at the chips, looked at me then said. Who ate up here, I never sit on those couches anyways. But apparently, it was my fault, I had to clean it up. Then she got mad because the weather didn’t bother me, so she told me to take off my sweater, it shouldn’t bother me but the way she asked. Again, it was my fault she was hot, her exact wording. “Seeing you in that sweater makes me hot, go take it off. Why should I care? I let my guard down. It was my fault. She’s always like this, blaming things on me. Once my sister dropped a whole cup of ice tea on the floor, who wouldn’t guess who got in trouble. If you guessed me, you are correct. She always puts my guard up when she does stuff like this, then the next day or few hours, minutes later she comes and pulls the rug. Like today, before all of this happened, she was acting all nice and like how she acts  in front of others, she offered me ice cream and smiled at me, I felt safe, I failed. I let my guard down, and got myself hurt in the end. But it always ends like this, I always keep running back, seeking her approval. But for what? How many times is it going to take for me to learn my lesson, of not being fooled by her big act.  I’m afraid the cycle has already started again. I already told myself that I will stay away so she has no reason to be mad. I have already thought of ways to change myself to keep her happy. Right now my guard is up, my plan is done, but it won’t be long, until I let my guard down again. Good thing, I don’t have long until I can legally leave this household, and live alone without having to worry if what I’m wearing makes people feel hot.

Lots of frustration,

I’llDealWithLifeLater