Was hoping it was just GURD

The last couple of days I have been MIA from the computer. I was hoping this feeling that I began having Yesterday was just my GURD acting up, but now, I am afraid that I am getting sick, if so, that is going to push me even further behind on my project.

Christmas eve, I may have gotten drunk and called a couple of my exes, why? Because alcohol told me it would be a good idea. The two I called were Lorraine (I was engaged to her twice), and Jeff. At least I didn’t start fawning over them.

Lorraine and I were extremely young when we started dating, and partially because of our immaturity, and my hidden desire to be with men, was the death of that relationship. Even though we tried twice, neither of us ever fully committed to each other. We still talk, and are close friends. The call began as a normal, happy Holiday, how is the family, etc, call. Then, she asked me why I started dating her, I apparently gave her the answer that her current husband, and another ex-boyfriend gave, “Because, you are you.” I then told her that over the years I began seeing her more as a close friend, and a sister, than a lover. I could hear the happiness in her voice when I told her that, “I am glad that you feel that way, because I have felt that way for a long time about you. I was afraid that when the second engagement ended the way it did, I thought I lost you even as a friend!” After she told me that she was going to go back to her husband, and she thought agreeing to marry me was a big mistake, then turned around and said she was divorcing her husband; I made the decision to tell her that I thought it would be a good idea if we did not talk to each other, at least for a while. Her dad called me right after that to tell me what kind of dick I was. We lost contact for a few years, but have been talking semi-regularly since 2015. I do not know how she would feel about knowing that I am changing my life and dating men exclusively, as I did not tell her. I will one day, and if that ruins our friendship, then, that is what happens.

Jeff and I started out mostly just as friends with, and our relationship grew from there. Unfortunately, he began using pills and crack, and he knew my rule about coming around me high, so we ended it for around a year. We would see each other and would talk to each other during that year, but the relationship cooled for awhile (During this time is when I tried to get Gloria to help me). One day, he cried about how his “friends” were taking advantage of him, and how unhappy he was about not being around me. I told him that I would help him, but he had to prove that he wanted to be with me by getting off the drugs, so he went in to a hospital for the three day dry out. I had to drive to Texas, then to Florida to take one of my cousins to her mom’s, because she split with her then boyfriend and had nowhere else to go. By the time that I got back home, he had gotten an N.A. Sponsor. Things were alright between us for a couple of years, even though I was still keeping the details of our relationship out of the family’s sight. He has a genetic defect that became active, and almost killed him in 2016. I would travel two hours from home, to the hospice they had him in, and would sit there for most of the day, doing what I could to take care of him. I had a couple thousand dollars stolen from my bank account, that I could not prove they stole (They fabricated a claim about the services they provided, and I could not prove otherwise), so my finances were a disaster again (I am still struggling partially because of that). I was not able to get up there as much, but he started getting better and getting therapy to rebuild his strength. The last couple of times that I had made it up there, he seemed quiet. Finally he came clean, that the hospital’s chaplin had been visiting, and showed him where he was being punished for his fornication with me. He asked that I leave, so, I respected his request. I was crushed. Later, I found out that he had fallen in love with one of his therapist, and is still living with her.

He, and I have talked only a handful of times since then. I guess it was a mixture of alcohol, loneliness, and the decision to change my life that made me call him Thursday. He started reciting scripture about my lifestyle, and ranting about how the ‘liberal agenda is killing our country’. The conversation ended quickly when I started mentioning inaccuracies in what he was saying. Who knows, maybe the call was more about getting some closure in a way. I really do not know why I called him, but, it is clear that it was not a good idea, and I won’t say never, but I doubt I will ever call him again. Might be a good idea if I just remove his phone number, and delete his FB page so that I can not do this to myself again.

Well, need to finish up evening chores.