Women Will be the Death of Me

part of me wants to just give up, throw in the towel and die. There is so much hatred I feel for things in my life right now. If there was EVER a day that I didn’t want to be alive and around all these happy people posting how "great" and how "wonderful" life is because they have found someone. because they have that fancy car, they have that fancy house. All these people have things handed to them these days. My parents weren’t as giving when it comes to that. She has been handed all the tools, and she has learned how to use them. Yet I was never given that option. Why on earth would anyone hold that against someone? Hell I have done EVERYTHING she has asked of me! EVERYTHING. I am at 115 lbs lost. I am starting school. I am doing EVERYTHING. Women will be the death of me.

Tonight I don’t know what it is about all of this… but I am emotionally a mess, and I have had to refrain from making an ass out of myself on twitter and facebook and post something that her friends will see and will call and tell her about. So much for mutual friends. So much for loving someone for your whole life. So much for all of it. She has someone else, She has the world. I have NOTHING!!!

I know I have talked about this a lot. And I know people hate me for when I talk about it. I seriously have been having issues with contemplating suicide again. I get in these emotional spirals where nothing gets me out of it. Every song my phone plays is another song with meaning for her and i. Every white car I see is hers. Everything in this damn world involves her. I can’t go one night without dreaming about her. I miss the way her lips would get all wet when she smiled. The way she would lay on me with her head on my shoulder. How when she was cold she would just cuddle next to me because I was always warm. Now to think some other guy is doing this with her just makes Everything hurt more and more. I know I need to focus more on myself, I know I need to forget about her. I don’t know the tools on how ! I don’t know what to do. I miss her so damn much. If only she knew how often I wrote about her, about all the pain and suffering I hide from her on here. Maybe one day when I am gone she would read this and realize how much of an impact she has had in my life.

I have wrote nearly 40 suicide notes in my life, and I know that is very childish and what not. I don’t mean to use it as a cry out for help, I seriously get so damn frustrated, that I want to get all this shit off of my chest. That is why I come here usually. What I am trying to say, is If I would ever be man enough to squeeze it just once, I really hope she would come across all of this. No.. actually I wouldn’t really want her to. Because she might actually have a heart, and she might feel bad. no she wouldn’t even show any intrest in me even if I was gone. 

I wrote some more lyrics, and Granted it is kinda corny, but emotions have been getting the better of me, and all I wanna do is vent. all i wanna do is break down and cry. All I wanna do is bitch and moan about how much I miss this one girl in my life so much that I cannot take any of the pain, and suffering she has been inflicting on me emotionally and physically now. I want her so much that I swear I would go back on the things that I believe. ( yes john mayer lyric I don’t fucking care HE is my idol ) I lost all this weight so she would be physically attracted to me again. I got my school stuff in order, so once I am done I could afford to give her everything she wanted material wise. her birthday is on the 25th, and I know for a fact I am going to be miserable about everything. It has been so long since I have dated someone during my birthday. It has been forever since I have ever seen someone on my birthday. I’m an emotional mess… maybe I shouldn’t be trying to explain anything anymore.

Times have changed, girls don’t want romantics, they want antics to feed their lusts.
Fuck your heart, they will only throw it back, shattering you to a million pieces in which you can never gather together.
You gotta keep your head straight because this world is full of hate, and one false move will decide your little fate.
But what’s one life in the cost of a hundred and two? The truth is, no one cares about me and you.
Fight your own battles, and flee from all the shame. You will thank me because life is just one big game.