the a word… yuck

3am, and I wanna go to bed… yet I find myself not able to sleep once again. Today has been kinda a blah day, and I really wish it would end.

I woke up around 11am today, which is better then I have been doing lately honestly. I think because deep down I have been depressed that I am sleeping a lot later again. I got around, and made a brief lunch. Then off I went to levels. I jogged my fastest mile ever today though! 8min mile exactly. Then I came in and did a air dyne workout. on my way home my phone rang.

Now let me just start a new paragraph and say that Amanda and I are in a weird place again. Part of it is my new therapist that I had to see because of my doctor. He wanted me to have a psych eval to see how my new anti depressant was working for me. Basically I felt worse after i had talked to him. He was very pushy and was asking a lot of questions I didn’t feel like sharing. I know I have to in order to make everyone happy. I just don’t like the whole new thing. Anyway after I had seen him basically he talked to me about my abandonment issues and the fact that I am a very sentimental person. Thank you capt. Obvious. Here take my $250 to tell me stuff I already know… I left there feeling worse about the Amanda issue because this is NOT what I want. I don’t want to be someones dirty little secret.

Anyway Amanda called me because we had been kinda distant since my meeting. We talked for about an hour until she had to go to work. Then I followed her and went to work myself. Then around 11pm I got a text from her. "I’m lonely 🙁 " Well that’s funny I thought. Because I have been the epitomy of lonely now for the entire time I have been writing on OD. I bit the bullet and texted her back. I ended up calling her so that I could clean the store while I talked to her. we talked again about alot. I found out that she has been talking to the other Adam… Then on top of that she is coming home tomorrow after work. Then her and her father are going to La camp ( a mexican resturant here. ) for margarittas. turns out tomorrow around the same time Tim, Brad, Kristin,and I were going to do the same thing because before he went to basic we all did this. She told me to still go and that the chances we are even seated next to each other are slim and none. However, Just being in the same place as her and her dad I know will make things awkward. I guess we will have to see tomorrow. While I was talking to her tonight she told me that she was having stomach cramps. Jokingly I said maybe you are pregnant. (because we did have unprotected sex about 4 weeks ago ) {stupid me… stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid did I mention I am Stupid} She then got kind mad and said she better not be pregnant. And that if she was she would get an abortion. She said all this without even losing tone in her voice. I honestly went back to the ashley moment. I can’t let anything like that happen. I know I am not finacially set, and I know it would be a MAJOR incovience. but I know I would make a good father someday because I would give a kid the world. To even hear her say she would do that kinda made me upset with her. Amanda isn’t the girl I remember anymore. This amanda is kinda cold… She says what she wants and doesn’t care if she hurts anyone. This Amanda wants me to be sentimental, but also wants me to be more of a man. but when I act like a guy she gets upset with me. This Amanda told me she would kill my kid if I had one with her. I know she is going to be in grad school this year… but if you are grown up enough to have sex, your adult enough for the concequences if they should so happen. We hung up shortly after and really didn’t hang up on good terms. Oh well… She probably called adam right after she talked to me. Wonderful.

John mayer’s new cd came out on tuesday, and has been on repeat now ever since I brought it home. This is the best cd he has came out with. It’s all soul music. Songs from the heart, and nothing less of brilliant. He certainly creates music I can relate to all the time.

Chad’s baby still hasn’t came. If she doesn’t go into labor before sunday night, she is going to get induced. So for sure I will be an uncle by monday! YAY

Time for bed… if i can sleep that is. I miss her… (shoot me)