Story time.
Bitter… What a way to describe yourself?
As I walked into the gas station to get my Marley’s mellow tea, I’m feeling kinda moody because of being single again, none of my friends asked me how I was today. Even though they know it is the 5 year anniversary of my grandma’s death. I’ve just been in a kinda shitty mood all day. Then there was a group of guys walking into the gas station. They clearly were drunk. There was no vehicle they came from so I imagine they walked from the bar. I contimplated not even going in until they were gone, but then I seen them kinda being rowdy and what not inside. I have a pretty good relationship with the gas station attendants that work the night shift. I noticed they were kinda being obnoxious with Danny ( the guy working ) . So I said what the hell, i’ll just see whats up. I walked in like nothing was wrong, and could hear them poking fun at Danny because he is an open homosexual. I got my tea, and walked and waited behind these guys trying to scrap enough money together to pay for the beer. They were 80 cents short to get their 30 pack and were telling Danny that they shouldn’t have to pay that money because he had a nice butt for him to look at. Fed up with all the nonsense they were saying I reached into my wallet and threw a dollar on the table and said. " Now you have no reason to still be here… leave." clearly they got what they wanted and started to leave. Then the final guy on his way out had to leave one last smart ass comment. " Thanks for the dollar you faggot" it was like something just clicked inside of me. I put my tea and wallet on the table on my way out, and followed the guy right out of the store. Something came over me. I just grabbed the back of his shirt and turned him to me. grabbed his shirt and twisted it hard and brought him closer to me. All I told him was "You need to apologize" His buddies then came up like they were gonna jump me but just kinda stood there when they heard what I said. Now I don’t know if it was the fact that i was actually bigger then someone for once, or if maybe it was just my poise in the situation, but he walked in and apologized to Danny. Thinking all was right in the world I started to walk in to get my wallet and such, and passed the guy once more only to hear him say to me " you’re still a faggot" So instantly I pushed him to the ground. I just walked towards him as he picked himself up. His friends wouldn’t even budge. "Keep walking" is all I said back. they all tampered off across the street.
Needless to say… I felt like a modern day badass. I got in my car and drove home. Got up to my apartment only to realize… I left my tea and wallet back at the gas station -_-
One quick drive back and all was right with the world.
It’s kinda crazy to take such a dull and mood less day, and turn it into something as crazy as almost getting jumped. These are my every emotions anymore. I will be okay with everything going on in the world for most of the day. Then the next moment I can’t hardly take talking to anyone. Something deep in me thinks I have bipolar disorder. Talking to my Ex Amanda the other day via facebook messenger. She was talking to me about how she wishes I would get put back on my anti depressant and what not. She always wants things to brighten up for me. She knows that her and I will never work out again, and I think we both are saddened by that. but anyway. I she knows I have bi polar tendencies because she mentioned it before. basically I think I need to see a doctor about it. Maybe I still have my "inner rage" that my child therapist said to me once.
Sometimes I think I am okay with being single. Like I will get myself all coached up, and feeling better about it. I worked out regularly, started prodjects. I just kept myself as busy as I could you know? So what made today any different? I don’t really know, but I know I would have totally fought those guys to the end if they would have tried.
I wish I could be happy again. Like I was when I had Amanda. Where is the guy who didn’t used to hide from the things he thought were hard? Where is the guy who smiled if someone bumped into him on accident? why am I the way I am now?