Gone,

It happened. She told me she wanted no part of me. That we are officially over with. My heart sank when i heard her muffled voice utter those words. I couldn’t fight the tears. I couldn’t fight the guilt. The pain was terrible. My first thought was i have to win her back… How do you win something when you have no cards to play with? She would be better off with someone else. I don’t have a good job. I don’t have a degree, I am over weight. There are so many things that would make any guy she passed on the street better then me.

I dwelled on this for two days before i could even make this entry not private. The mere fact that I do this to myself scares me shitless. I was so caught up in the moment of losing the love of my life, that i got my gun, loaded it, and put it infront of me on the floor. The thought process one has to do to even load the gun that could possibly take his life is horrendous. I stared at the bullet… I cried… All for what? the courage and stupidity it takes to hold a loaded gun in your hand and point it at yourself. the mere moment that guns sights cross into your plane is frightning. What if i don’t want to truly do this… what if i accedently pull the trigger. What is there to stop the gun from malfunctioning and firing without me pulling the trigger… The simplicity of guns is quite scary. Aim, pull, observe. I held that gun to my head and started to think about everyone and anyone who would possibly miss me. This is so clique… But i thought about my friend who was a cop. He told me about countless suicides he had been to. He told me he didn’t feel any sympathy for someone who could do that to himself. That suicide attempts are only cries for attention. Am i only trying to get people to look at me? So the only way to prove that I am a man is to pull the trigger then? I thought about Amanda… She told me if something ever happened to me, or if i hurt myself in anyway she would feel the same guilt…That she couldn’t live with knowing she caused any of it.  I thought about my mother… I can’t imagine her knowing she lost her baby. All i wanted was someone to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay. Someone to give me guidence. Tell me that there is more to life. I promise you this….I cried my eyes to a terrible red mess. I couldn’t see anything. All i felt was the warmth of my tears on my face. This is the moment… I took a deep breath.. Put the gun to my head. I wanted to pull the trigger… I wanted to get rid of all these problems. There is nothing in this world that compares to the guilt i started to feel. This solves nothing. It would be a burden on those who even care. My bills, my funeral, my debts…. Dieing isn’t free. It doesn’t only cost money, but also costs hurt. The people who DO care… I put the gun down. This is not my time… Adam… you were ment for so much more. SO MUCH MORE.

This is why From now on I am changing my life. I will help anyone who crosses my path. I will do to others as should be done to me. I will NEVER forget the feeling of being alone, or without someone to talk to.

Don’t get me wrong… I still hurt every moment for the thought of losing her. I just can’t show it. I have to once again put on that smile of mine and get to the world. I need to try and lose weight. I need to get back to school. I need to get closer to God. I need to get closer to my Family. I need to get out of this town. There is nothing for me here anymore, other then hurtful memories. There isn’t a stone in this town that doesn’t make me think about her. I’m still a mess… I really am… But i HAVE to do this… I HAVE to get out there.
 

So from now on… This will be a weight, and school Diary… I will be weighing myself every week on Sunday. I am losing all this weight…. I don’t care what it takes. Who hurts me along the way. How much money i lose. I will get moving for once in my life, in the RIGHT direction.