Do you ever cry when you type your entry?

I did it again… Things were going good and I wasn’t thinking as negative as I have been lately. Then there was today…  Started out that saturday night we were super busy at work, and of course I didn’t have enough help. Once again Josh schedualed me short, So i was dealing with high load times, and angry customers wondering where their food is. I get so darn frustrated when I have no other options like this. I can’t call anyone in, because no one will say yes. So i am forced to keep people over, and then they get upset with me because I keep them over.  The stress of being there and handling all this has been proving to be too much. We ended up not getting out of there till around 3am, which is absolutly ridiculous… I know this is my choice, but I wanted to go to Sunday morning workout with levels, so I had to be up at 6 to go to it. I couldn’t sleep right away when I got home either., so of course I just seen the clock constantly changing. By the time I actually got to sleep It felt like the alarm was watching me. I was lucky i bet to get maybe an hour of sleep.

Our Sunday workout was actually a kinda fun one. We were doing all the Reservoirs hills. 4 at the low end of the hill, then we had to do a bunch of strength training. Then 4 at the medium height hill, and then more strength training. Then 4 at the highest point of the reservoir, and more strength training. The last hill was the 3rd one but you had to sprint most of the way. (even though no one really did lol ) I did pretty well, and finished about 7th place.

Then i had to rush back to Willard to shower and get ready for work. I had all but maybe 20 minutes to do so. I got into work and immediatly started prepping for the day. Lucky because around 10:30 the phones NEVER stopped. I only had one driver today, and I didn’t know that. I was rushing around trying to keep up all day, and constantly was getting pissed off. I shouldn’t let my temper go like this, It’s just so damn hard to deal with all this stress anymore. I HATE my job anymore. I dread even thinking about going in. I feel bad because when Tim came in at 5pm today, I was kind of short with him, and I know he may have felt hurt by it. I Just was pissed that all day I was rushing around, trying to prep for him when all this stuff has to happen to me. I stayed till about 5:30 or so and then said I had to leave.

When I got home I was walking up the steps and seen my neighbors were done doing laundry so I was kind of excited that I could catch up on some and maybe take a few naps in the process. I gathered some of my cloths, and stripped down and went and loaded up the washer. Then when I went back into my apartment I was looking for my phone to text someone. I searched in the usual 4 spots i would put my phone when I thought to myself… did I take my phone out of my pocket? I literally ran to the washer and grabbed my shorts out of the rapidly raising water. felt the pocket and felt my heart sink when I felt my phone. I pulled it out, and immediatly seen if it worked. Nope…. So much for having nice things… I know part of this is because I was so tired, and was not thinking properly about what i needed to do. I just hate that I don’t have enough money to get it fixed, let alone buy a new one. I think I might try going to the verizon store tomorrow and see if they can do anything.

I messaged Amanda today on Facebook to tell her if she texts me that I wont get it at the moment. Told her that I just wanted today to be over with. she asked why i was having such a bad day, and I explained. Then she told me that she was working on getting some sleep because this was her last week of school before she gets her second bacholers degree. I kind of broke down when she told me this because that is truly amazing. I’m not jealous, I just feel like a loser for not having anything like her. I did break down and tell her how much i missed her at the end though, and of course no message back. However, it was after she told me she was going to bed so i am not going to try and sweat it.

I have found myself in a better mood lately, but I just don’t understand why this has to happen to me. I can go around blaming everyone else, or I can get on here and complain about how much my life sucks. Or I can go out and do something about it. Which as you all know is what I have done. 76lbs lost, school in the fall. Things actually should be looking up for me. However, I think it might be few too little, too late. Most people my age are starting families, or Finishing their degree. By the time I get my degree I could very well be 30 years old. The better half of my life is nearly over, and I have nothing to show for it, except a iphone in a bag of rice, countless ragged hand me down furniture. I broke down when I was typing this and started crying again. ( hence the title ) I hate being this upset about things, but I think there isn’t much more for me to do while I wait for things to better. Give me a sign, give me something to look up to. Rather then have to deal with all of this. I don’t pray as much as I should, but sometimes it feels good to think our lives are in someone elses hands. But we could use some guidance every now and then if that is the case.

Well its going on 4am, and i started writing this at 11:30pm. ( i left for about 2 and a half hours with tim, but ill save that for tomorrow ) I feel a little better though just by venting. Another page has been written in the story of me.