breakdown (edit w/ pictures of a wreck )

I broke down at work tonight… i balled my eyes out like a baby… I think too much is the realization of what i have came to.
i recently tried to see someone new, and of course that got shot to hell. it just supports that i shouldn’t try even more. i was confident that i might just have a chance for once. Funny how i let myself become vulnerable once again.

when is everything supposed to get better? why is it everyone i talk to tells me to "hang in there, things will get better?" yet with every step i take, i wind up 3 steps behind. The goal in life is to get ahead, not go backwards.

My breakdown tonight was again because of how lonely i am… I told a co worker about everything. Amanda, Ashley ( the killer ) and Ashley ( the new girl i tried to see ) about how nothing in my life seems to be working for me. Not even these pain pills i have for my shoulder that i disloacated Last friday at a bacholer party… The only thing they help with is seperating myself. They are very strong, and make me loopy as all get out. I took 2 before work today because i just wanted to coast thru the day. I honestly don’t remember 4pm- to around 8pm. I remember working, but i don’t remember any of the details.

I’m so damn lonely….

I tried to sleep, but again i have just wound up laying in bed pondering things for an hour or so. So i might as well get up and do something. I really don’t feel all that well and i have to work in about an hour and a half. I know work this morning is going to be a long one. With all these football games going on today, and nascar races and whatnot. Everyone and their two children will be ordering pizzas today. I will be short on help as always, because the GM hates me. I won’t have much time to prep because the phones start ringing as soon as i get there. I would go in now and start prepping if i would get paid to do so. The General manager considers that time theft and would write you up if you did it. It’s funny though, in the 4 years i have worked there i have been wrote up twice. All for bullshit reasons of course. One time i was $40 short on my shift, and because there was no transactions, or any form or way of finding the money. The fault goes to me, and they look at it as theft on my shift, and theft i didn’t prevent or that i did myself. ( i would never risk losing my job over $40 btw… nor would i ever steal from the owner. HE is about as nice as they come. So i would never imagine stealing his money. ) The other time was because Something happened on my shift, like someone yelled at someone or something. I can’t really remember the details anymore because thats how little i give a shit. The point is all these reasons i get wrote up have happened to others all the time. They never get wrote up, nor do they ever get "dealt with".  Equality and favorateism is a horrible thing in that store and i hate it.

My brother and his wife ( the one in my picture ) are getting a divorce. He told me on labor day this year. He told me that he wanted me to hear from him before rumors spread about why and how they decided on splitting. I listened to the whole story, and then immediatly got ahold of kate ( his wife ) and got her side of the story. Of course both pointed the finger at each other, and both said the other was cheating. Go figure. I wouldn’t put it past my brother to cheat on his wife, and i wouldn’t put it past kate to cheat. I love them both, but they need to mature more when it comes to that kinda stuff. I would do anything to find my soul mate ( what a joke ) so that i could spend the rest of my life being happy. Those two were soooo good for each other it saddens me. Now they are both just giving up on each other, and walking away from their problems. Sounds like a certain someone i know. Speaking of her…

She talked to me the other day because she texted me that my old aim name ( Were talking middle school aim name ) signed on and stayed on. Then she claims as soon as she texted me about it, they signed off. She called me a "shadyyyyyy" person and that she knows i am up to something. Hmpf…. So i told her that i was at work, and don’t even have aim or msn installed on my phone anymore. Nor would i use it anyway. and that i was also at work. Rest assured she didn’t believe me and proceeded to call me out on the matter. Am i wrong in thinking this was a bitch move? We aren’t together… the only time she talks to me is when there is a slight sign i might be seeing someone else, or trying to better my life. She is allowed to text, call, fuck, whoever she damn well pleases… lord knows i hate that. Heaven help me though if i am the one that is texting or talking to anyone. Now i will say i did figure out why the name was signed in, and breathe easy it wasn’t me. I guess it got hacked or something, and it was sending out messages to people asking them to check some picture out and sending a link to people. If they clicked on the link or whatever i guess it infects them too. Whatever i just de-activated the account like i should have prolly 10 years ago. Fucking drama.

I’m almost 25…. OR i should say i am almost dead. Each night i don’t sleep i wonder if todays the day i am gonna die. That fortune teller is really getting the better of me, and i sure as hell think its crazy.  Every step i take with caution because who knows what it will bring me. I failed to mention to last sunday i witnessed a t-bone accident on my way home from my fathers. I was traveling US 224 W on my way back, when i got behind this slow ass van. 224 is a known road for speeding, and people trying to get somewhere fast. only to have some jackass get infront of you and go about 8 miles per hour under the speed limit. This road in no means is safe really to pass. So i was thinking to myself this might be how i die if i pass this dude. I held off for awhile and tried to keep my nerve that i wouldn’t be late for work if i didn’t pass him. Finally i got so annoyed, that i decided the next chance possible i am going to pass this guy. I saw an oppertunity to pass and i merged over to the opposite lane and put my foot to the floor, only to be greated with the sight of another car coming just close enough to know i wouldn’t beat him. i went back into the right lane and as soon as the car passed we were going to thru State route 67. Some idiot decided to blow the stop sign. the van infront of me slammed on his breaks and almost missed the vehicle. the van infront of my ended up slamming into the drivers side tail end of the car causing both vehicles to slide into the field to the south. It looked like something straight outta worlds wildest police chases. Me being the only person who witnessed it pulled over as fast as i could. I figured with what little medical knowledge i had, that i could assess a situation and help someone if needed. I got up to the van and it was a short indian kinda guy. (hindu or whatever ) and he asked me if i was alright. I think he thought i was the one who hit him. So i told him i was the car behind him and asked if he was okay. His van was a big metal beast and obsorbed most of the damage like a tan

k. The driver was fine. Then i ran over to the SUV that ran the stop sign and seen two people walking towards me. The SUV had like 6 air bags deploy, and was all messed up on the back end. It even took out like 3 signs. I asked the older lady if she was okay, and she told me she was. Then the other guy was holding his arm and i could see enough blood to know that something was gonna look bad. I asked him if he was okay or not, and he had his hand over where the blood was coming from. The gentleman removed his hand and I seen a shattered white bone sticking out thru his skin. He was completly calm ( probobly in shock ) I called 911 and reported the accident, and called for a ambulance. I called Megan the girl working at the time and told her i was going to be late. She wasnt very happy with me and also acted like i was lieing about the accident. So i took as many pictures of it as i possibly could.  Maybe i should upload them so u guys can see them. Yeah sounds like a plan.  Anyway the sherif deputy showed up and assessed the situation. Started getting the scoop from everyone. Then came to me and asked if i could stick around and fill out a statement from the state highway patrol who was in route. ( for insurance reasons, like if either of them contest in court or if someone should sue and blah blah ) so i told him i could, but first chance that i could get out of there i needed to because of work. I Waited about 30 minutes and state patrol still hadn’t showed up. Finally the deputy came up to me and asked if i would just fill one out with him and he would get it processed over to them. Smart man… So i was on my way then and arrived at work about 40 minutes late. Coder was pissed but oh fucking well… she is a bitch and a suck up anyway. I just can’t help but think, if i would have passed the guy when i tried, I would have been hit directly on the side… I don’t think i would be typing about this if that was the case. funny how fate is seconds infront of you. Alright so about those pictures. Its funny because the first one is in color, and then after that i must have switched my camera to black and white without knowing it.. but anyway here they are. Also if you look at the last one you can see the state highway patrol man finally arriving after i am about to leave lol.

(deleted pictures)

Well there. that was a good distraction from sleeping before work. Sorry i am so messed up anymore.