99 problems,

You can never have enough money… Is something people without money always say. I would give my left arm to say I was financially stable. I have never been much for the holds the world gets on you with the whole money issues in life. yet lately I don’t know what it is I have been doing differently… I find myself behind on bills. I haven’t been to the grocery store in over a month to get fresh foods and veggies like I have been and It has been hurting my energy. I constantly try finding things I haven’t been using, or that I don’t want anymore so that I can sell it for money for food. Now I am not THAT poor to where my standard of living has changed. I just find myself making cut backs because I haven’t been getting the hours I used to at my job. ( only because of how terrible of a GM I have to work for ) This American Economy really is taking a tole one me. 

The roller coaster I call Amanda is on another mini slope down. Nothing too serious, just a few hurtful feelings coming back into her head again. She knows that I hate my job. She knows that if I could find something else to do temporary while I go back to school, I would. People know how terrible it is out there, and no one wants to work for minimum wage. I know I almost make $10 an hour, yet I don’t. I just know starting over well, would be just that. No seniority, the unfamiliar silence of starting something new. Where you have to dip your toe into the water just to see how cold it is going to be. who’s shoes are you going to step on, who is going to let you thru? blah blah, anyway. She made a remark tonight that me being Dominos’ Bitch. Sadly, she is right. I do so much for that place, and get treated like the toilet paper they think I am.

Truth be told, This two days off has been amazing. Sure I haven’t been making ANY money in the process of sitting around dwelling about all the money I have been spending on things. It has just been nice to not have to worry about Dominos for a day, or two. Yesterday  I was going kinda stir crazy, but hell all I did was workout really. Today I made myself wake up in good time. I went to the local golf course and decided to have a little me time on the course. It was surprisingly cheap today though. Bill ( the club manager ) calls Wednesday "wacky" and you get half off 9 holes and a cart. I asked him if I could do without the cart. Not because it would be cheaper ( because it wasn’t ) but because I just wanted more time to think about things to myself. Bill seemed kinda stunned that anyone would want to do such a thing. I couldn’t help but laugh in my head when I told him I wanted to walk the 9 holes, because I know the last time he had seen me I was 360 plus pounds. Now I was looking good, and kinda fit. Kinda nice not going to lie. The first 9 holes were kinda rough, but lemme tell you what. I had SO much fun. My mind has never been as clear as it was today when I was teeing off on hole number one. It doesn’t mind that my drive went right of the fairway, and hit a tree. I was just happy to be there. I got into the clubhouse after the ninth and decided I enjoyed it so much that I was gonna go out and play them all again. Good choice is all I can say. I ended up chipping a shot in from almost 80 feet on hole one for a birdie, Drove the green on number two. Was on the green in two on number 4 ( a LONG par 5 ) six I rolled up about 10 feet from the hole ( par 3 ) all in all I was just having a blast.

It saddens me when I get this way though. Like I had a great time golfing, yet I know tomorrow at 5pm when I walk into that store. I am going to be a different person. I am that person, who HATES his job. I’m miserable the entire time. Why can’t I have a job that I enjoy? Then work wouldn’t be so bitter. I’m tired of not taking chances and enjoying life. What if I would have just played nine today, and missed out on one of the best rounds I have ever had at that golf course? I took a chance and enjoyed doing it. Sometimes in life you just realize that the stories that are worth telling, involve a choice we all make one day in our lives. Our lives are built on choices, and mistakes. Some of us aren’t afraid to make those mistakes, others ( myself included ) are frantically afraid of that cold shoulder of failure.

I want to smile more. Good smiles. There are so many things that have to happen for me to feel that way though.
I want a good education, and a great job. I want the white picket fence, with the wonderful wife to come home to. too many of my friends are getting that now. I guess I shouldn’t say TOO many, because I truly am happy for them. Slighty jealous you might say? of course lol. being jealous though is only something that comes natural in human nature. We all want to be better then most people, because we want to be able to say we are better off then them. We compare our women, your men. We compare how much we all make, We compare how many homeruns our kids hit in T ball compared to the kid next door. That is the way we are brought up. Competitiveness is a good thing in rations. It gives us the drive to better ourselves, because if there was no trophy for losing, we would want to have the trophy for winning! I feel like i am trailing off a bit and maybe I am. What I am getting at is I have all these things that I think are wrong with me, and sadly I am trying to find out why I think all these things are wrong with me in my head. I’m not looking at them as things that are going to make me lose, but things I am going to try and steer away from to succeed. Hell I have lost 100lbs! why should anything stand in my way? How could I possibly let ANYTHING stand in my way. So all these problems with money, women, life, work, emotions, friends, etc… Cast them aside Adam. You know you are a great person. You know you are meant for great things. Someday whether it is with Amanda, you will find someone who truly cares for you. Someday you will find a job you can live with, both financially, and mentally. We get so caught up in the race we call life, we don’t take time to stop and play the extra nine holes and get that perfect pitch in, or long drive.