10/17/2013

I have to beg myself to get on here and type so that I don’t post something on facebook about being sad or upset, or hell just generally upset about anything. I’m not allowed to be upset, or allowed to have problems. Last night was the perfect example of that.

My buddy charlie came over last night because we got some crazy new kind of weed that was supposed to good. I know he has problems about money, and I know he enjoyed smoking. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy it, and have fun with it. I just always have done it because he did. Sometimes I wish We could take a break and drink, or just not do anything at all like that. it’s fucking expensive and on top of that it’s illegal. I’m all for doing some things under the radar and having fun like smoking in my place and what not. Last night we were stupid and argued about it. He wanted to go to walmart which is located in a huge sherriff town near here. He wanted to take the blunt we rolled and smoke it on the way there. I was under the impression we were gonna smoke it before and go. This way if we got pulled over there wouldn’t be anything in the car and there would just be no chance of them saying anything. I guess just trying to be safe. or maybe I was being negative about it? He got all pissed about it saying the only problem we would have is me making a problem about it. That he would take back roads and what not. I know there are times we do that and get away with it. but how many times do you wanna put your hand in the lion cage before you regret getting bit.

I didn’t mean to upset him, I just wanted him to know I don’t like doing that because I feel like it is something that could hurt us in the long run. We ended up staying at my place and we kinda just talked about things, but like always it ended up with him talking about HIS problems. I got a few things in and I know he realized how hurt I have been feeling since we always do the things he wants to do. The whole reason I even have a diary is because no one, not even my friends let me talk. I’m not allowed to be sad, I’m not allowed to be upset. I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter to them. yet they feel better just talking about things. When is it my turn? I have something to say too damn it!

Part of my stress is coming from money too… Because of my negligence at dominos I had to take a 3 dollar an hour pay cut. I understand it is mostly temporary, because I cannot manage and what not. It’s just something bugging the hell outta me because I don’t have that much more for income. I’ve been selling so many things of mine just to make ends meet. I just payed all my bills and I’m left with 13 dollars till two weeks from now. I’m not complaining as much as it seems though because I am thankful that I got them paid. I was thinking this was the month where I was going to go into the negative. and honestly I very well might. It’s only money. I can go make more eventually. this coffee shop is starting to look good because he is getting more and more things in order. I’m excited for the oppertunity, I just hope it pans out the way we want it. I need money like I have bad habbits. I know I smoke and that would save me so much money a month not doing it. part of it was because I know when I buy from charlie, it helps him, and it gives him someone to do that with. It has become quite the bad habbit though. It caused my relationship with robyn to end, it caused this job rut because it is hard to just go out and find another job because I can’t pass a piss test if asked. This might be the end of me doing all that. I thought about taking what i have left and giving it to this guy at the gas station that hooked us up one night. He doesn’t ever get this good stuff and I know he would appreciate it, probably more then me.

Life just has this funny way of bringing you down faster then you can imagine. one minute you are at the top of the world, and nothing bothers you, the next day it’s like everything and their mother pisses you off and all you wanna do is sit in a corner rather then deal with it. I’m so scared of failing again, and letting my family down. better yet letting myself down would probably be even more catastrophic. Sometimes I wish I still had Amanda, Robyn, or Lindsay.. Someone that I loved. Someone I could tell all my problems too and have a mutual party understand. no matter what I ever say to anyone… I will always be brokenhearted about my past. and I’m trying to just cut the string and get rid of everything and anything to do with all my ex’s. I still have every single message Amanda ever sent me. I still have every picture she ever sent me ( yes even the bad ones ) because I feel like that is officially giving up on the idea. I know she has… but why can’t i. the thought of untagging myself from all the photos of her and I still on facebook just seems rash. we were so happy in those photos. rather then fix the problems, they never solve them, it makes no sense at all.
I feel like I have so much small town problems, and these big town dreams. I just wanna be happy. This was one of the hardest days of my life.