08/19/2013

do you wake up and wonder what you honestly want in life? what you honestly find worth fighting for? I haven’t found anything like  that yet. I want to, but it just doesn’t seem to hit me. I’m skinnier then I have ever been. Emotionally I feel I am in a better place. I’m getting off my anti depressants slowly but surly. every morning I wake up and feel somewhat lucky to be alive now. It’s easy to be upset, and be negative. so I force myself to be happy, when in fact I am one of the most sad and miserable persons I have ever known.

I smoke more then I ever imagined I would. It scares me to think of how often I go to work stoned out of my mind just to get thru the day. I hate my work, and before anyone says just quit.. it’s not that easy living on your own and not wanting to go further in debt, let alone the fear of not being able to pay bills. Then say something about buying the stuff, well whatever… it’s not money being spent on alcohol, or anything else… I’m not out killing people, I’m still losing weight, and still getting caught up with bills and saving.

I find myself wondering what amanda thinks. If she is okay, if her field work is going good. I ‘m over us, but I still care enough to want to know how she is… and Honestly I feel like that might be a problem. thinking about her makes me sad… yet I have been on pills lately that are supposed to help with that.

The eyes of an angel always looking over me,
Thoughts and hopes never seem to come true
especially when I sit here and ponder of you.
this emptiness makes it’s point
maybe I can forget you with this joint
Another hit, feeling lit,
nothing like realizing, that was it.

You made your choice, stayed afar
now look at where you are.
That’s just it, I don’t have the slightest clue
this crazy man, tryin to understand
I just want to make sense of it all.

Where did you go? I’m playing this show
all for the likes of you. The words are mine
I promise you this time, those bells will chime
I have dreams, I have ambitions, I have integrity.