05/09/2012

I guess I only write when things are terrible for me. Go figure.

Alot has happened since the last time that I have even wrote. A lot of good things, a lot of bad things. Some things I shouldn’t even say because I know it could hurt her if she would ever read this someday. Well here it goes.

Amanda and I last Friday were talking a lot. We were in the worlds most epic poke battle on facebook. Things were looking good once again with us. We were talking a lot, and texting almost all the time. Talking about anything and everything. I got the Idea that I should call her and see if maybe she would allow me to come see her. We talked for nearly 2 hours before I started suggesting coming and seeing her. it took a lot of coercing and flirting, but she finally told me she wanted me to come. I hurried home and changed so I could look my best for the first time she had seen me in nearly two years. I have been waiting for this moment now for so long. All my workouts, all my weightloss. It has been all for her. The entire drive up there I was so nervous. All I wanted to do was impress her with my looks again. I wanted her to want me. Tell me how much she loved me, tell me how much she missed me. When I got there I seen her waiting to be picked up to drive to her apartment complexes guest parking spot. It was like seeing an angel. She almost glowed I swear. She got in my car and I instantly smelled the perfume she always wears. I cannot describe how happy I was. We went up to her apartment, and ate. I had went to chipotle before. We talked for nearly an hour, and we sat together. Then she showed me something on her computer, and then things just got a little heavy. I know this is something I shouldn’t share, but it felt right with her. All this waiting, all this hard work, seemed to pay off. She loved me. I stayed with her till nearly 2 am, and then I had to leave. It was the worst feeling walking out that door without her. She should be coming home with me. Staying with me tonight. Or I should have stayed with her. I couldn’t though because I had my first 5k in the morning. I got home around 3am, and went right to bed.

Woke up at 6 and Mary met me at 7 to drive to crestline. We got there around 7:45 to get regestered and whatnot. The race was amazing, So many people from levels was there. Mary and I started a good pace, and finished at the same pace as well. we finished in 33.4 which was all mary’s pace! I was so proud of her.

Then the following night I ended up texting amanda and telling her I wanted to come over and I basically was not taking no for an answer. I got there within an hour and we ended up taking our subway to the park she lived near. We sat and ate, and just talked. We ended up taking a few pictures together. Walked to another spot and just talked about us. We talked about all our past, about all our future. It got a little emotional at times because we had a lot of feelings. We went back to her place and sat on the couch. She fell asleep with her head on my lap like she used to. I stayed the night and left around noon. On the way home I told her that I hated to admit it, but I already missed her. All she sent back was a smile.

I didn’t think much of the day because I had my orientation the next morning for college, I am really looking forward to this too. Then I had to go to work. I was in a great mood all day , and never once did I think that things would go bad. I knew Amanda was going to columbus to see her friends from college. She ended up only seeing one, and wasted a lot of gas in the process. I tried to cheer her up by telling her it wasn’t a waste because she got to at least see a friend, and that she couldn’t put a price tag on friendship. She wouldn’t take any of the compliments. She was just not herself. I knew something was up honestly. So while I was putting the truck away I called her and talked to her. She ended up telling me that she had mentioned me to her friend. and her friend basically ridiculed her and couldn’t believe she would talk to me again. ( however her boyfriend is a pot smoking, video game loving jerk ) but Yeah I am the one who should get judged. I kinda got mad and started to rant at her. She got upset, and i guess she deserved to. She told me this was what she was afraid of. and we hung up upset. Now she is being very short with me again like before.

This is what I didn’t want to tell everyone because I felt like it wasn’t anyones business. but anyway… Monday morning when I was at Amanda’s. She was in the shower, and left her phone on the computer table. I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I cannot take back what I did. I snooped thru her phone and found the conversations her and this other adam guy have. They get pretty heavy, and I noticed her texting him at 2am saying she wished he was there. Kind of the same things she said to me. I read the converstations between her and her best friend Sharon. And how they thought I was dating this girl. (my neighbor who is getting married. Amanda Didn’t know she was my neighbor so that is why she thought this.) because she commented on a status I had a long time ago. and how if amanda ever got married, I would be there to say " I object!" Ugh I should have NEVER looked. Now I know exactly how they think about me, and then of course when she came out she knew something was up. We talked about it, and she assured me the texts were from a long time ago, and that she wasn’t texting him while we were talking on a regular basis.

I just cant stop myself. the rollercoaster of emotions find their way back into me. The hatred, the jealousy, the regret. all I want to do is just make it go away. back to the old routine it goes again. Sanity is bliss. Sanity is under rated as well. I’d give anything to reclaim that ounce of it I had a week ago.