04/23/2012

My phone is still sitting in a bag of rice. I hope to god that it works tomorrow. If not I’m going to take it to Verizon tomorrow and see if there is anything they can do. Just not being able to text or call anyone has been killing me. Its sad to know how addicted to our phones we are. I can’t check sports when I am at work. I cant check facebook when I am at work. I can’t listen to music as I close the store. There is so much stuff that I cannot do without my phone. How sad is that?
 

In a effort to save some money I switched my cat to a lower quality and cheaper food. I have been spoiling him with this crazy expensive science diet stuff. I started to wean him off of the good stuff this past week. And he is offically on the new stuff. Sadly he is throwing up al the time now. I really thought this might work because the new stuff is also sensitive stomach. Nope, the poor guy is still throwing up all the time. Guess I am going to have to keep spending $30 every 2 months on that.
 

I still can’t sleep good thinking about Amanda. I just layed down to try and fall asleep. I started to think about how by friday she will have finished 6 years of school, and will have two bachelors degrees. When she finishes school is she going to move away? I may never get to see her again. I hate the feeling of abandonment. I know i gave her little reason to stay with me in the long run, yet all i can think about is all the changes I have made. This is what she had wanted all along! why am i struggling with all of this? Each day is a physical struggle not to lose my mind. I’ve been working out to keep my head straight, but my body nearly gave up on me the other day because I haven’t rested much.

Something is missing. I know I had to drown first to get to where I need to be going. She gave up on me, and that forced me to better myself. I thought if i Finally did all this that she might one day come back to me. I think she is officially gone. I think she has officially lost all hope she had in me, and in Us. I will never find someone with the same goals that her and I had. My biggest fear is that she just loses all contact with me, and forgets about me.

I tried to sleep again tonight, and i did fall asleep for almost 30 minutes. The thing is I had a REALLY vivid dream. She and I finally got to see each other. We talked about how much we missed each other. Yet we knew we were not going to work. So we hugged, and she kissed me on the lips, and then on the cheek. Then she told me She was going to miss me, but this was for the best. Then she told me I needed to wake up. Of course this is when I woke up. I kinda started to get upset, and teared up a little. Dreams can haunt your every thought because they are so damn real. Why on earth do we put ourselves thru so much pain and hurt when It comes to one person that we truly love? Love doesn’t equal pain does it? I can guarantee that everyone who reads this knows that I am totally obsessed with Amanda, and that is not a good thing. I don’t smother her anymore, I don’t hound her with texts. Lately we have just talked about things. There hasn’t been much fighting, there hasn’t been much drama. It has just been talking about how each other has been. sometimes I do break down and tell her how much I miss her. The hard times seem to help me see that I really am a good person though. I know I deserve good things, but I need to keep working as hard as I have been. I just don’t want anyone BUT her. Maybe one day when I am gone she might read all of these, and see how much of an impact she had on my life.

Speaking of reading all of this, I finally printed it all out up to this last year, and put them in a binder, and locked them in my Gun safe. I think it might be a good thing to keep one day. It wasted a lot of ink though I will say. However i got it out last night before I tried to sleep and read a few of my entries. I certainly have came a long way. I may not get many people to read my entries because I usually only talk about one thing. The thing is these are raw emotions, that only I feel. No one else lives my life, and no one else can make my choices for me. I make stupid choices I will say, but if I followed everyone’s advice then It wouldn’t be myself. Amanda wouldn’t want that I don’t think.

I can’t help but think that our relationship is like a good song. When you first hear it, it’s infectious, and everyone wants to hear it. It constantly gets played, and you memorize everything about it. Then it just seems to get old because everyone is playing it, and it just seems over played. Then it goes silent for awhile, until you hear it again, and you remember how much you loved it. So you download it again to your ipod. If I could say our relationship was a song it could only be one song. John Mayer- slow dancing in a burning room. We just seem to want it, but we know that if we get back together we will burn together. All the hate, all the glares people give us for trying. We let it effect our relationship, and that is why we stand where we are.

Last night after I started writing this, my friend Tim messaged me on facebook because my phone is still broken. he asked if I wanted to take a ride in his new car, and vent for awhile. We both like to get together and just drive all the roads we can and just tell each other all our problems. I vent about work, and Amanda, and he vents about work and the girl he has been talking to. It’s kind of refreshing to know how much he goes thru too. I’m not alone in my misery. And we all know misery loves company. We ended up driving all the way to Sandusky and went to wal-mart. I never thought we would go that far, but hey it was kind of refreshing to just chat about all the stupid stuff we deal with at Dominos.

I’ve been planning on getting a tattoo again. I want to get "Life" on the back of my arm. It was John Mayer’s first arm tattoo and I know i know, that sounds gay. But the guy seriously has been an Inspiration to my life and I honestly think about how changing my life for the better yet, would only be reminded by that tattoo if I got it. This way I always know how my life was. and to live life like I was dying.

Well I wasted a good hour typing this, and I feel much better. Also I didn’t message Amanda because I typed. So I guess this truly helped me tonight.

Stay Safe
-Adam