04/20/2013

I miss amanda, I miss Lindsay, hell… I miss myself. I used to be this happy fun loving guy… now all I do is sit around in self pitty and talk about how horrible my life is because I’ve lost something. Everyone else can deal with breakups and being alone… what on earth makes me different? Why am I so dead set on being with someone who loves me? Why am I so dead set on getting Amanda back even though I know I never will? I don’t really want her back because of all the shit she has put me through. I really don’t want to be lost like this anymore. The truth be told, Amanda and Lindsay are both gone. I have no one that I can honestly say that I love anymore. How can you love someone, if you don’t even love yourself. "find yourself, find what makes YOU happy" everyone always says to me. Amanda made me happy. Even when she was at her worst and was cheating on me… she was the one thing in my life that I can honestly say I did right. She was perfect. She loved me for who I was, not what everyone else wanted me to be. She was there to hold my head when I used to have my panic attacks that would almost put me in the hospital. She was the one who would talk to me when I was sad. The truth is no one could ever replace that. No one could ever one up that.

I know I’ve said I was over her in the past… and frankly I am… She will never take me back. She will never be mine. So why does this hurt so much? why do I always come back to her?

Here I am an hour before work. crying my eyes out… begging for her to feel my sorrow and take it all away. She has this power. She knows How much she means to me. She knows how much I long for her to tell me she loves me again. She knows how much of an impact she has had in my life. So why am I always feeling this. Why am I always such a mess.

the more I think about situations, the more I just want them all to go away. I never have been able to do this… but lately i feel like I could actually pull it. I could make it all go away. I know my mom would be a mess… but I’m sorry I just can’t deal with things. If this is how my life is going to be from now on… I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to suffer from depression anymore. I don’t want to be down.

I have no hope anymore. I have no dreams. all I have is these broken thoughts and emotions. I’m the description of a train wreck. You can’t tell me that I am perfect, or someone will come along and amaze me. I’ve tried all this. with the same results… heartbreak

pineapple juice

April 20, 2013

I can’t tell you someone will come along and fill that void of yours and make everything picture perfect again. But I can tell you ways to increase the odds of that happening while also building your self confidence in the process. Step 1 – find a career. Get out of Dominos and chase something that makes you feel accomplished, intelligent and proud to declare as your profession. Part of what makes

a man…a MAN… is being one if not all three of those above mentioned things. Accomplished, intelligent, proud. It’s easy to wallow is self pity when you don’t have things going in your favor that make you feel strong and worthy. I used to be SO MUCH like you. Wallow in my pain, praying it would go away, praying I would find the answer in some guy that thought the world of me. That was until I

I found my path in nursing. I work hard, i know how to cook, I take care of myself physically. I am in a far better place now mentally. No more wallowing, and best of all, I now feel proud and know that a guy would be LUCKY to have me. You need to find that within yourself. MAKE yourself into something someone would be LUCKY to have. Know it so much so that you radiate it. So much that you don’t

NEED the adoration of another being to make you feel whole. You did well with the diet and exercise, but that was only step one. You need to make this thing well rounded. Hobbies, a new job, things you wish you could do eventually but can’t now (which for me was cooking). I encourage you now to start looking into school or something else that will gear you away from Dominos. You are smarter than

such a simple line of work. You deserve more money and more challenges, and that alone will make you confident and appear more attractive to other people. Make it happen. <3