03/01/2013

It’s been too long since I have been on here really. I have had a lot of things happen here recently. I don’t really understand a lot of things, and maybe its because I’m not used to all this.

Lindsay and I have been great. However, there are things that scare me about our relationship. I drive nearly 45 miles to see her sometimes twice a week, and when she is home she never seems to be able to come over with me or whatever. I hate sounding like i am ungreatful of the time we spend together, because I am. It’s just I would like to see some progress for her too. I’ve been spending damn near a fortune to see her recently, and that is not an issue. I like spending money especially if it’s on her, but I would like to get a thank you, or something? I guess I shouldn’t say that because She does thank me, but I feel like she is just saying it because she feels obligated to, not because she actually wants that out of me.

I’m currently at her place typing this on my laptop while she is in the shower. Last night we kind of had our first little fight, if that is what you want to call that. We talked about how she has these feelings for another guy, but she isn’t going to act on them because she loves me, and what we have. Then we fought because she feels I am basing our relationship on sex, because everytime we are together I seem to touch her, grab her butt, or something she views as sexual. I don’t mean to do that with the intention of sleeping with her. I do them because I like to feel her, I love to randomly show her how beautiful she really is to me. So the only way I really know how to tell her, without simply saying it and making myself look like a idiot, is by randomly grabbing ahold of her, and pulling her close, and telling her " I love you’ She thinks its too dramatic and what not. Wish I knew a happy medium when It came to that. I just wanna show her truly how much she means to me.

I wont lie… I have missed Amanda a little here and there… But that is only because she hasn’t even tried to contact me since November 29th. The day she called me all those names for talking to Lindsay. It’s not so much that I miss Amanda, It’s the fact that I honestly want what is best for her… I want her to be happy, with or without me. Oh well, she is out of my life, and I think she prefers it that way.

Don’t get me wrong though… even though lindsay and I have had a few set backs, things have been great between us… and I really mean this when I say it… I love her… I’ve never felt so good about someone since Amanda… Maybe I shouldn’t compare her to Amanda, but I can’t help but do it since she is one of the very few women I have ever said "I love you" to… I know this is part of relationships, but I wish I could just move past this, and forget about all the stupid problems. Sex always seems to cause problems, and with her she is much different then the average person… and I love that about her. I honestly and truly do. I want nothing more then to walk into the bathroom and just kiss her right now, but she doesn’t like that kinda stuff I think… I wish I knew what to do, because honestly I feel like I am losing her, and I hate that.

Maybe I need to type on here more… I miss being able to get a lot off my chest this way.  I miss all my OD friends.