02/10/2012

It’s happening again. Fridays are the worst. I used to see her every Friday, and now its this other guys turn. It hurts me to even think about days I’m off because i know i will constantly check her facebook. Constantly look for any sign that she might want me back…. I think i did something terrible. I sent her a care package, that consited of reese’s cups (her favorite) two packs of her favorite gum, $10 Subway card ( her favorite place to eat)  A box of klenex (because she told me once that she cries a lot, and she likes the cool modern design ones). A valentines card ( tasteful didn’t say anything about love) and a pillow case. Back in the day when we were dating we used to sleep with a pillow case for a week, and then we would send it to each other because we used to love how each of us, had that scent. Something about it, was comforting. She is also getting Flowers on Vday. 1 dozen red long stem roses from this super expensive flower place in her town. It costed me like $140 bucks for the roses and setup and delivery. then the care package delivered costed me about $50 to mail and everything. I’m afraid i might just get a return to sender, and she might just shred the flowers. tax return well spent i guess. Just seems like EVERY day it just keeps getting to me. I sleep for about 4 hours a night, and the last part of the dream is about her. Then i wake up, and cannot sleep. I just wish she would talk to me. I need her so much. I tried playing video games, I tried reading, I tried talking to a friend, I tried almost everything. My thoughts keep turning sour. 

I’m Still losing weight, I’m still going to the gym. I just signed up for classes. and I’m attempting to go back in may. So all that is fine, but i’m still missing the best thing i had going for me.

I can’t keep a straight head, I can’t stay positive. Everyone tells me there is someone else out there, but honestly? How is that even possible with the way i do about this girl. She used to make me smile every day… She used to make my heart happy. She used to make so much for me. Most of all, she made me feel safe. Not money, Not Looks, But hope. She loved me for who i was, not what everyone thought i should be. So why all of a sudden is this happening to me? What HAve i done to deserve this? I’ve been trying to go to church, I’ve been trying to read the bible, I’ve been trying to lose weight, I’ve Been trying to get back to school. I’m Doing everything I thought was the problem. My mind keeps racing to the night I held my gun to my head. Everything would be gone. It would stop the hurt. It would stop all the guilt. It would stop all the problems. It is like factory resetting a old phone. It has a lot of memories, it has a lot of uses left. But something about it is off, So just reset it. Except there is no re-boot. There is no coming back. its over. But that’s what is wrong with my relationship… It’s over. So what difference would it be? I hate that i keep thinking about this again. And how do i hide the key to the gun cases when i know exactly where it is. I just wanna hold her… I just wanna see her. IT would make everytyhing better. Even if just for a moment. Just so i could look into her eyes just one more time. 

I’m so sick and emotional. I hate myself.