Do a Columbine
The funeral was yesterday. I feel so bad. I feel as though I’ve been skinned and rolled in salt. Just like I though I would, I heard grief about not going to it. Am I am evil person for not going to funerals?? I am of the belief that once a person is gone there body is no longer them. Am I crazy?? Do I need to burn in the 7th circle of hell?? I think I’ve seen enough death in my lifetime to find no need to celebrate it. All a funeral does is tell how great and wonderful a person was. People are so fake and phony. When someone dies all of a sudden they become a saint. They could have been a serial killer and all of a sudden they could do no wrong. I loved my grandpa a lot but he was not a nice person. He was mean a lot and used to treat my grandma like shit, (while she was alive). But he told you how he felt and what he thought straight up with no chaser. This is why I loved him and could talk to him. So for the pass few days I’ve been getting calls about how I’m no good and couldn’t have cared about him if I don’t go to the dead body show. I just wanted to walk in the building with 2 nines and extra mags and just sprayed the crowd. But then I’ll be with my brother doing 25 to life. Why can’t I get any breaks in life?? I’m pretty close to taking that 2 mile drive off a 1 mile pier.
Is it just my emotions running wild or am I coming to a true revelation. I heard recently the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. I know I just had an anniversary. I know I love her. But am I “in love” with her. I’m just indirerent. Over these past few days Angie has been great and supportive. When we are together, we have a great time. But I’ve been thinking of someone else. I find myself thinking about her a lot. I know it is not just lust (even though I’d like to pin her knees to her shoulders). I think about what she’s doing today and how’s her day going. I don’t really know if she feels the same about me either. Plus there is no chance for a relationship now (lots of extenuating circumstances or that she would wanna be in one). I find myself hoping for a text or even a short 15 minute call. If there is no contact for more than 1 0r 2 days I get antsy. I think I just need to let the events of the past few days just sink in and reexamine my life at this point. But I’m open to any suggestions.
Life is a Bitch, then you marry one, then you DIE.
P.S. I do appreciate all the sorrys and well wishes I have gotten. Thank you so much everyone. I just may not take that drive.