The Things We Do For Love

I know second time around that love is indeed never enough to get married on.  All of your relationship issues don’t simply disappear once you take the romantic notation of I Do.  It’s I Will.  My Grandfather married us, and that’s one thing Dan brings up often.  He asked us to say I Will.

One time I was in Marion with my sister lying face down on a bed.  I had my ankles together and she got the notion to slam my ankles together.  She thought it would be funny but it made this cracking sound and my face turned bright red.  She was trying not to laugh…gotta give her that.  It seems we have in common the horrible uncontrollable nature to laugh when someone hurts themselves…it still looks hysterical.  So anyway, my sister slammed my ankles together and they cracked and went all the way to my knees and by the time I asked her why she decided to do that, I was laughing just as hard. 

So, I like to go roller blading.  I’m good at it because that’s in my nature too.  Balance!  My ex boss lives by me and we decided to go roller blading once.  She was yapping and nervous, just that type.  She’s my boss at the time but she kept falling on her teeth.  I’d skate away real fast so I wouldn’t get caught and she’d get back up and act like I never saw it.  Her face was registering some pain by the 3rd and my insides and tear ducts..even bladder were getting harder to control.  So we regain our composure, and get another 12 feet and then WHOMP!  She cracked the sidewalk with her tailbone.  She caught me needless to say.  I tried to form the words I’m sorry while she told me she didn’t think rollerblading was her thing and she’d see me at work on Monday. 

Dan decides that he wants to give rollerblading a try and I say no.  You are a tall gawky man and rather awkward on your feet.  It would serve you best to keep rollers off the bottoms.  Of course he took that as a challenge which I was hoping he would.  So he goes and buys him a pair at Kmart and we go suit up .  This trail, you have to cross the street to get to it so I take off across the street.  I turn around and look, and there he is clutching to the stop sign.  He sees a bridge and he tries to go under it.  He disappears for about 3 minutes and I see his head bob back up.  I knew he fell, but at least I didnt’ see it.  I tell him to sit his gawky ass down and take them off.  He’s gonna get hurt when he crosses the street.  He says no purdy, we can have rollerblading in common…I just need to get the hang of it.  He’s so tall, but I didn’t think he was that flexible.  He could lean down and touch the road and vroom himself across.  That lasted a few strokes and then he was crawling real fast and he did make it across pretty fast after he gave up on the bridge.

He’s winded, but not crippled yet so he says let’s go purdy.  He is staggering, about to slap everybody around and everyone is backing up.  I chuckle and say Hun…I thank you kindly for trying but you aren’t meant for this.  You are a big goofy goon.  He says naw…I’ll get the hang of it then BOOM!  It’s the ankles smacking!  The knee bones are not supposed to look like that!  It made the same sound and he was picking gravel out of his brow.  I sit down immediately because I’m going to pee my pants and he knows me so well he sees it.  He smiles at me and says, yep…I’m a big goofy goon and I’m done.  I hug him and say let’s go skeet shooting instead.

But…I took those rollerblades back to Kmart the next day.  This old woman asks, "Well what’s wrong wit em?"  I smile and snicker and say…"nutin"….

"Did ya go an break em?"  nope…snicker, start potty dance…SNORT!  She rips open the box just knowing we defiled them somehow.  She took them out and studied them as close as she could.  There was just a few scuff marks, and I took black permanent marker over them.  There’s no way she was going to not give me back the sale.  I told her that there was nothing wrong with them and just give me back the money.  She puts her glasses back on her nose, big fake red hair and a mole.  She said what’d you do to these?  "My husband broke them in for love.  He tried to rollerblade for my benefit but the only things he seemed to muck up were his knees.  No damage to the skates, allright?"

She looked at me and said ahhh…the things we do for love.

**Edit, confirmed from the husband, it’s true it’s true it’s true.  This is Valentine’s Day 2007.