Be careful, little mouth, what you say…

I know I’ve run this into the ground, but I’m sure I’m not the first girl to develop OCD over a broken heart.

I know I probably shouldn’t have done it.  I know I probably should have left well enough alone.

I know that I’m supposed to be a strong, "cold-hearted bitch," when it comes to this.

But I also know that I miss him more than anything I’ve ever missed in my life before.

I know that the very first thing I think of when I wake up is him and that’s because I dreamed about him the whole night.

I know that I spend my day completely lonely and tortured, wishing he would text me or email me or, by some tiny chance, have done something completely out of current character and be at home waiting to tell me he was wrong; he made a mistake; he realizes it now; he gets it; he’s in love with me.

I know that, for a month, I’ve felt, quite literally, like half of me was missing.

And I know that he feels the same way. 

I know that because I said it first tonight.  I told him I really missed him and that I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

His response, "I know you do. I really miss you too. I feel incomplete without you."

What I don’t know is how he cannot make that connection.  The conversation continued:

Me too.  I feel like half of me is missing and it’s torture when I see you.  On the one hand, life feels semi-normal, but on the other, it’s hell because when we have to part, I don’t know when I’ll get to feel that "normal" feeling again."

"I feel exactly the same way."

Well, then.  This is a fine predicament we’ve gotten ourselves into.

"Indeed it is."

Can anything be done?

"That depends on you."

No, Matthew.  It’s your decision to make.  This isn’t an issue of how I feel.

"But seeing each other only exacerbates the problem.  I’m not in love with you."

I get that you think that.  But it’s still so very confusing to me because everything else you say is screaming the exact opposite.  And that’s why I made the decision to be apart.  Not because I couldn’t bear to be with someone who doesn’t love me, but because I can’t bear to be with someone who does and can’t realize it.

"I do love you but not in the way you think I should."

Well, I guess we’re just screwed.

"Until you recognize how I feel and are okay with it, yeah we are."

Screwed.

I don’t understand how he can say that he feels incomplete without me, but that he’s not in love with me.  I honestly have never heard anyone say, in matters of love, "I can’t bear to be without her, but you know, we’re just pals."  When it comes to making a decision about how a person feels about another, I’ve never heard someone say, "I feel like half of me is missing when we’re apart, but I’m sure that’s just indigestion or something."

I think, what it all breaks down to is that he simply doesn’t think I’m worth the risk.  When we first broke up, I told him that all I wanted from him was the acknowledgment that this could be the scariest thing in the world to try, but that he knew I was worth the risk of trying it.  And he wrote me a letter back, saying that he knew I was worth any risk, but does he really think that?  If I really were worth any risk, why isn’t he risking anything for me?

And that’s what digs at the deepest terror of my being – that I’m simply not worth it.

And you can leave your notes about me being worth it and he just can’t see it and he’s stupid and I am worth any risk and this is all just his problem, but it won’t help.  It won’t help because for three years, I always knew that when it came time for him to take that risk, he would.  He would be the man I knew he was and who I wanted him to be.  I knew, that deep down, more than anything, he did know I was worth it.  And he doesn’t.

And so we’re screwed.