The end or a beginning

For the past four months I have been madly in love with my boyfriend, and as naive as it sounds, I truly believe I am going to marry him – or I hope at least.

The past four months have been hard, at the smallest argument I would put my walls up and try and end things, him saying he will “never leave”. He understands that these insecurities stem from previous relationships, creating an intense fear of abandonment. He was there for me, he never left and he always knew, through every argument or meltdown – I loved him. And I knew he loved me. Because of his attitude of never leaving me, and always supporting me, he has allowed me to trust in our relationship and finally believe he truly will never leave.

Things were good, we were happy, but suddenly the tables turned. His attitude and outlook on life changed like the click of a finger. He became emotionless, expressing that he doesn’t feel anything and his brain is empty. To my pure regret, he expressed that a lot of this emotional state is caused by my actions in the previous months, making him feel like his best isn’t enough, making him feel like HE isn’t enough.

This broke my heart.

I poured my heart out to him, explaining that this wasn’t the case. I explained that he is my rock, my foundation and that he is the best man I have ever met. Despite this, as he went on to explain, the damage is already done. After A , what seemed to be painful for him, conversation he confirmed that he still wants to be with me and that he still loves me but he doesn’t want to discuss his emotional state any further. I understood this, and I respect this but it doesn’t make the situation any easier for me.

All of a sudden i’m taken back in time feeling insecure, feeling like he wants to end things. Im riddled with guilt for ever making the person I love most feel this amount of pain. This much rain that it drives him to a state of no emotion. It almost seems surreal. I just want to hold him and kiss him and make him see himself the way I see him. I want to go back in time and change everything that lead us down this road, but I can’t. How do I help him without being overbearing. How do I rid my self of the feeling that i’m going to loose him.

Is this where out story ends, or is it simply the shedding of old skin, making space for our relationship to flourish.