Toxic Residue

I cant believe it. I literally just shed the last remnants of my abusive toxic ex.

Whew. Even finally calling him what he is, which is an abuser is foreign and new to me. I always kept up the charade that it was just a toxic relationship because he hit me, but i hit him too. Sometimes even first. But that doesnt change the fact that a grown man put his hands on me, on multiple occasions. It actually chokes me up just writing about it but I want to release this fucking energy once and for all. I met him online, like one would normally do in 2013. He was “my type” long hair, caramel skin, a big beautiful sad eyes. Little did i know how much pain those eyes actually held. We didnt start dating at first, which he always held against me, because i was 18 and he was 19 and i felt like because he had his own apartment he would be to hard to trust. I remained “friends” with him for 2 ish months before one day a girl was banging on his apt door. His roommate/friend that just slept over a lot claimed it was his ex so i thought nothing of it. Fast forward to the roommate letting her in and it was actually his ex. She came in distraught, crying, saying he was cheating on her with me, he wasnt, but from that day i should have known he was a real fucking POS.

Fast forward to the first time he hit me. Im at work right now so im gonna try to do this without breaking down. So it was about 3ish months into the full blown relationship. Im pretty sure our toxic union is where my drinking problem first developed. I drank a little before then but he was (and still is) a heavy drinker so i just kind of followed suit. We were drunk in his bathroom, there were people over, his loser friends, and he was talking to someone outside of the bathroom about whatever the fuck and my drunk ass was “pestering” him asking him for his ipad’s password because i wanted to take pictures. lol. i was 18 in 2013, selfies were all the rage lol. anyways, he was mid convo so he was ignoring me so i opened the camera through the lock screen and took a picture of me with my middle finger up. Yeah i was trying to piss him off i guess, but nothing like whatever the fuck he thought in his feeble mind. He pushed me into the tub, grabbed me by my hair and dragged me out of his apartment. It all happened so fast i literally was in shock. I was 18 and still lived with my mom, i couldnt go home in that condition. So i sat in the stairwell of the apartment building and cried tears of blood. I had to beg him to let me back in the house to sleep that night. When he was dragging me by my hair from the bathroom to the front door, one of his friends stepped up and tried to defend me. He was wearing a cast and actually hit my bf so hard in the face that he still to this day has a scar on his cheek from it. I never thanked that man but i hope he knows how much that meant to me. I actually got “beat up” another time because he accused me of fucking that friend because i was leaving to the corner store and i asked everyone in the house if they needed anything. The scar on his cheek actually brought me back to that moment a lot, so i thank him even more for that. I would just think, damn im fucking stupid, how am i still with this loser………. ok i gotta continue this later. duty calls. plus i feel like if i just really expel all of this out on here, i can remove all the toxic residue still left on me.

also im in a HAPPY, HEALTHY relationship with a man currently, we are most likely getting married and i want to have his babies. It took 6 years of work but truly, i am more happy than ive ever been in my life. to a man that truly respects me. i didnt even think that was possible. i will hold him extra tight tonight. peace. (also this was all prompted by this girl dming me on IG saying to leave her husband alone, like BITCH, i want nothing to do with that man, im no suprised hes still a cheating whore, but sis, wrong girl. in fact i think he said it was me because he wanted to weirdly get back in contact with me since i cut him off after getting in a good relationship…. weird stuff really… also the girl is like 40 and really dumb, like not dumb bitch kinda dumb like actually SLOW AS HELL lol i know a part of why he would still contact me just to talk was because he couldnt have “intellectual” conversations with her and i thought he was just being his asshole self… nope. the bitch is not here with us on earth LOL k bye ) <3