The Friday Before The Next.

Finally got a car so thats new and well deserved. But i have bigger problems lol. I started talking to this guy, im always starting talking to a guy smh. Anyways, i went on one date since the whole other dude i was talking about in previous posts. Kind of the same thing happened. I honestly had a blast but he was being really clingy and weird the day after that kind of turned me off completely. So theres that. I felt bad about it, I always do, which is weird because its not like we had sex or anything. I just am a really cold bitch now lol i cant turn it off :/ Anywhos, another guy, i actually liked more than he liked me, he was cool but he was such a fucking asshole. At first i was like, maybe im sadistic because this feels like muh type. lol. It was too. But he basically curved me! He said im immature. Which i am. Even more so now, tbh. I used to be soooo good with guys. The right mix of sexy, seductive, manipulative, sweet, smart, all of that lol Now its just like i throw shit all the wall and see what sticks. Smh. Im not trying to do this with this new new new guy im talking to lol. You would think i was a whore yet i havent gotten laid in OVER a year. I think not having sex for so long was a mistake. I feel soooo weird around the subject. I was literally saying the day before i started talking to this new guy that i was gonna be celibate and save my cooter for marriage lol. I feel like i cant even tell men im celibate though, theyre gonna think i was super hoeing before i decided, which isnt true at all!! I NEED A HOE PHASE LOL i never really got one. smh. Ive always been pretty responsible to who i give my vagina too and for some reason its feeling like a waste of fucking time. Im such a bitch now, and insecure, do you understand what type of fucked up and annoying combo that is? its def NOT HOT. I finally lost some weight so my period stopped :/ I think it was PCOS tbh but im good now? Who knows, just roll with it i guess. Im just happy that im no longer bleeding from my vagina so sex is now somewhat on the table. Im also insecure though, im the fattest ive ever been and im starting to realize all the sex i used to have was with long term partners ! so how the fuck am i gonna open myself up to random hookups? I feel like it takes more time to even want to fuck you? idk. My friend says its because i choose guys to go on dates with that im not really into. I guess she has somewhat of a point. Because this guy, this new guy, is super hot, super my type and i would marry him. hehehe. No but seriously. So he has a job where he travels a lot and kinda sorta coming out of his way to see me on friday! :S Its sooo fucking soon! today is tuesday for reference. Luckily i bought a fuck ton of new clothes so i dont feel like thats gonna be an issue. Ive been thinking for days what the fuck im gonna wear, i still dont know. My style is very very basic now. All i can wear is high waisted jeans, and a cute crop top or whatever top. And my fanny pack to kinda hide the fupa. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sexy. Being fat makes me feel ugly and unworthy of love. I literally dont understand how fat women do it. Like do i really think this guy is going to be into me? I feel like he would fuck me, because what man turns down pussy but imagine i get ghosted. I HAVE NEVER BEEN GHOSTED AFTER SEX. Is this fat girl problems? Ugh. I dont even have sex on the first night!! THATS THE FUCKING JOKE. Ok i feel like he might try to fuck on friday? :/ I really dont fuck on the first night, thats a rule of mine because im a prude, better than you, holier than thou type of bitch. But im gonna prepare my uterus like i am. Im fucking scared. I dont wanna do it but i dont wanna not do it. I think im gonna end up curving the smizzaaash but dude wont be back in town for a month. Which is fine by me but my thing is, I think me not wanting to smash on the first day for no other reason other than thats how i act because its my schtick or something, hes gonna think im sexually immature. smh. The guy that i was talking to that was a complete asshole basically said i am sexually immature smh. Dude fucks dudes sooooooo who is he to talk, fr? Anyways. I am though lol hes right. I literally dont know what the fuck im gonna do and i dont know what the fuck im gonna wear. OMG anddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd I PLANNED TO GO ON A FUCKING HIKE IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS LOOOOOOL BITCH WHYYYY? I CAN BARELY WALK. I AM SO FUCKING MANIC. LOL. ITS LITERALLY IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS, NOT THIS WEEKEND BUT THE NEXT. IM STAYING IN A HOSTEL. OMG. one thing about me is i dont need anyone to push me out of my comfort zone, i just throw my ass in it, all the time, with no regard for my own feelings and anxieties. I literally did a 2.5 Mile WALK and almost died. I think this hike shit is about 5-7 MILES. bro WHYYYYYYYYYYY. I really dont want to chicken out either and not go. it as 60 bucks. Plus i want to be able to say i did it. I also have no idea what im going to wear to that too. ugh. I really need to get some shit figured out. I know what color i want to paint my fake nails when i get them done on wed or thur. THATS ABOUT IT. I forget how sex feels, to be on top of someone, omg. I really just wanna finally fuck and get it over with…… maybe i should fuck someone before him?? hmm.. thinng is though, im mad tight, why would i waste that on someone else right? PLUS ITS TUE. what am i gonna do fuck wed AND FRIDAY LOL im not a jezzebelle lmao. No really though, i want to have sex with him but i dont want to fumble through it, ya know? I USED TO BE SO GOOD AT THIS. I hope hes the kind of guy that takes charge and lead or whatever, i dont want to be asked shit LOL. im gonna suck his dick into oblivion though, i guess, lol. I used to be the throat GOAT but i was in a relationship so what the fuck do i know? im beyond retired, i feel out of fucking commission. How do you re learn your slutty ways? Esp when you were never a slut? ugh. I shoulda just been a whore like all my friends. Pray for me. Let thy Lord carry my by my vagine. A MEN LOL. Just kidding God, dont smite me, help me. pls. k bye.

Ok i just want to add this so i know that i knew and felt this way before the meet up. He will only have a few hours to spare? uhm ok. I rather not meet in such a rushed way cause like its like uhmmmmmm are we fucking or wasting time? Like i dont like that feeling already.  BECAUSE BITCH I DONT FUCKING KNOW. UGH. if i fuck him though im breaking my seal and im FUCKING STRANGERS. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I WILL FUCK STRAAAAAANGERS. IM TIRED OF BEING A PRUDE BITCH WITH BOY CRAZY BIPOLAR-ISM. LOL. K BYE.