Rambles of an Idiot

So I had a diary on here a long time ago, and i think im either feeling nostalgic or i just want to work on my writing skills.

Im not sure what to say other than im talking to a new guy. I think my old diary was all about a boy as well. I dont change lol

Anyways, i am planning on visiting him, yes, during a pandemic, because i simply can and anyone with a problem with that can suck my dick.

I think im still in love with my abusive ex though, thats the kicker. If you have ever seen the show Pretty Little Lies, I feel like the blonde lady who had an abusive relationship but when her husband died *spoiler alert* she still missed him…. especially the sex.

I feel like i constantly remind myself that it wasnt all bad, which it wasnt, its not like we physically fought every time we argued or that I wasnt abusive as well, so i dont even know what to consider it all.

Sometimes i genuinely wish i didnt tell people about it, its almost like im not allowed to still have fucked up feelings for him. Its been 7 years on and off and I moved out of the country two years ago just to kind of escape it all, and still i find myself in love with him.

My only hope is that i find someone like him, without all the bad times. Is that even a thing? It doesn’t feel like it is.

A lot of me loves him but a lot of me doesnt want to end up with him, because that uncertainty is not something i want to thrust upon my future children, i think it would be selfish to marry out of love instead of thinking about the father i might give them. So i want a him that isnt him. And that shit is hard as fuck to find.

I watch a lot of TV so if you have seen the series “good girls” on netflix, (its a reallllly good show) then the kind of guy i want is a Rio lol. Sexy, Soft Spoken, Aggressive, Protective, Smart, Funny. And the sexual tension in that show is through the roof lol. It legit can make you wet just watching LOL

Anyways, thats all i have for now, i do want to start using this site more. Its honestly therapeutic to tell a bunch of strangers how i feel because saying it out loud makes me sound crazy 🙁