Cant you see what you do to me baby?

The conversation started out really well. Reminded me of all the reasons why I love you. We reminisced about the first day we met and you went on endlessly about your sentimental attachment to the Mickey Mouse McDonalds’ glass cup series from 2000. I know it was a subtle way to say you miss your mother and when times felt normal even though things for you have never been normal. It makes me so unbelievably sad when I think about your childhood and everything you had to go through. On top of having an unstable mother and home, you dealt with things some people could never imagine. Like killing someone by accident before 16. You have so many demons, and they all scare the fuck out of me. Im so sad for you but im honestly so scared of you.

I didnt understand what a truly toxic realtionship was until I met you. Its still toxic tbh because I moved out of the entire country to escape this and still I cant. I dont know who im trying to convince more, myself, others or you. Its been three years since we’ve been in the same room as each other so i know you cant hurt me. Im so ashamed that i love you. But when its good its so good, better than ive ever had with anyone. I cant even explain how much it feels like we’re meant to be, we are almost the same person in different bodies, without you in my life i feel less than incomplete. But then Im reminded that im just convincing myself, its not real. At least thats what people say but it is, It really is. Its a curse loving someone who somebody else fucked up in the first place. I wish i could go back and show you the love that you deserved were a child but i cant. The love i show you now barely makes a difference.

I have anger issues too so i get it but i dont want to be Eminems “Crazy in Love”. How is Kim? Is she even ok?? … just googled her and her last blip on the radar was in 2015. A suicide attempt. That feels like me. Its so hard to be with you, its so hard to be without you, sometimes i feel like its easier to not be here at all.

I dont really know what im going to do. I think im gonna write out those 7 stages of grief so i can try to begin to heal something inside of me. We met on March 13 2013. I cant believe we spent Christmas 2020 talking about marriage. The best way to explain how i feel is like Nicole Kidman in pretty little lies. Hes a monster but i love him and i miss him and hes not a monster all the time but even saying that i need to understand that all the time should be none of the time. I dont think i will ever figure this out.