04-19-2022

Ive discovered that a lot of my vices are linked to each other. I know this should be obvious but im making more of a conscious effort to slash one at a time. My boyfriend is so pure, he started his life with no vices and just kept it like that. He smoked weed for a little bit but now barely smokes delta8. I on the other hand, smoke and i drink, excessively. I always knew my drinking was a cope, but im starting to forget what i was coping for. I think my last relationship was a toxic mess. I think it effected me for 7 years straight, even tho if asked i would deny any man could have so much power. I think it destroyed my body mind and spirit and im just starting to recover from that, with the help of God. I think im attacking all at once when i should slow down and go one at a time.

I think the easiest will be no longer watching p0rn. LOL you might think thats insignificant, but i dont think i ever watched it (regularly) until i was single and needed something to do that didnt involve being a human fleshlight to men on tinder. I watched a really wise 2 hour long youtube video about porn and its effects on the brain and it really helped me. Not only to start a porn detox but the fact that all addictions are the same and lets be real, im addicted to drinking. So instead of attacking that first, im gonna start with the porn, see how i feel, little goals, baby steps, before i attack the final boss.

Another thing i want to attack is my binge eating. Im 70lbs heavier than i was 7 years ago. I know 10lbs a year doesnt seem like much but they definitely add up. The worst thing about weight loss to me is that truly the best case scenario is losing the weight as slowly as you put it on. Its really nothing like the quick before and after tiktoks you see online. And its so much work, omfg. Thats probably the worst part.

I also want to save a bunch of money but i also want to quit my job. Crazy right? I mean i get paid a very good amount, i do basically nothing, im working right now and im literally writing this, but after you spend so much time doing nothing its almost offensive when people expect you to work. Like are they not aware im just here for the paycheck? Plus they want me to start greeting people? ugh. Im not a walmart greeter. And im not even complaining about much, and i really should be the kind of person thats ok with what theyre asking for. Im just a fat lazy fuck thats probably miserable and hates working at a place for more than 2 years straight. I need something new. For my mental health honestly. But im not sure going back into a position where i dont have to see people (i worked overnight for 5 years prior to this) is actually the best thing for me either.

Luckily, i have a vacation planned in a few weeks to vegas. Im gonna use that time to unwind and really think about what i want from life. I feel like i havent had a real goal since i was 22. I need to change that.