Towards Silence

Love. It is been a difficult few days for me. I feel a sadness on the inside that I have not been able to define, and so it waits in my depths, getting closer to the surface as I find more words, and drifting deeper as I lose them.

I believe I have found a purpose. I do not know if this purpose is for me, but I think it is a good one. I have asked some people close to me using the words that they would understand, and they have all assured me that the purpose is potentially useful. I always feel uncertain. How can I know your thoughts? I have started thinking about the work to realize the purpose. I have not started the work. I have thought my way all the way up to the starting line, and I continue to divide the distance remaining between myself and the starting line in half, but I know at that rate I will never start. I am afraid to start something that I will not complete. It is an uncompleteable task, but not an impossible task. I have left so many unfinished tasks, and it pains me each time. I feel a need to complete.

(And it occurs to me…I feel very uncomfortable addressing readers, because this part is an entry in a personal diary and I have not yet entirely wrapped my head around the idea that the words in this part are also meant to be read. The mirror in the bar makes us uncomfortable. But I am very curious, what did the sentence “I feel a need to complete” mean to a reader? What word did you initially place an emphasis on in your head when you read it? Have you ever considered where you usually place these emphases? I think I usually place my weight on my last word. Except in poems, when weights fly between words and dance on undefinable winds, and in questions, which feel like asking for a weight.)

I am fortunate to have some very knowledgeable and good friends. One of them has worked with me this morning, helping me draw symmetries, untie knots, and smooth wrinkles. I will start soon. (And I feel I should say this. I do not value this friend nearly enough. Before I knew I was arrogant, I treated this friend poorly. I was threatened by his intelligence, and so I imagined him less than he is. I do not know how to apologize for such an offense, but I will do my best to be a better friend.)

Today, more than ever, I feel the shouting inside. I will choose to spend more time today feeling instead of looking for words. I am choosing peace today. Amen.